sundry times

making real, among sorrows & songs

2010-05-31T12:15:00.001-05:00

i love the dark hours of my being.
my mind deepens into them.
there i can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.

then the knowing comes: i can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.

so i am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living roots
embrace:

a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.

{i,5 from rilke's 'book of hours'}

jónsi sang go

2010-04-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

jónsi sang go

i thought i was ready to throw off
winter’s weight as soon as spring
peeked from the ground, softened
the stark dark trees, that i too
could again be green and colour
and soft earth, but the cold
deadness clung with suffocating
hands to its post, dug in deep
and obstinate. so i took jónsi on a walk.
out through the sunlit streets, filled
my eyes with petalspetalspetals
all orangeredyellowwhitepink.
the magnolias bursting – branches
once heavy burdened with snow
and ice – now in flight against blue sky
waving their arms adorned (aburst!)
with pinkwhite blossoms, sharing
their glory with the grass below – a sprinkling
of pinkwhite salt seasoning the green.
my feet sang along – starting and stopping,
turning, slowing, lifting (sometimes imagining
in their minds – twirling) and then i found a tree
and sat beneath it when what i really wanted
was to lay on the grass, gazing up

it took a moment, but my feet
talked me into it – “go do”
they sang with jónsi – so i lay back
and the streets were no more –
just me, the tree, the blue and
masses of white cloud creating
a moving landscape beyond
the dark stark branches
sprinkled with leaf buds.
occasionally birds flew past.
and once a dry brown leaf skittered
from the ground up over me
its dead dryness somehow
a part of this simple playful
scene of bluewhitebrown
while i lay, one with the green

“no one knows you, till it’s over”
maybe that means even me.
maybe i’ll be surprised by
who i can be when it’s over.

some rilke to break your teeth and spark your soul

2010-03-03T17:32:00.005-06:00

if we imagine our being as a room of any size,
it seems that most of us know only
a single corner of that room,
a spot by the window, a narrow strip
on which we keep walking back and forth.
that gives a kind of security.
but isn't insecurity with all its dangers
so much more human?

we are not prisoners of that room.

i have great faith in all things not yet spoken.
i want to free what waits within me
so that what no one yet has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

if this is arrogant, God, may i be forgiven,
but what i need to say is this:
may what i do flow from me like a river,
without anger, without timidness,
no forcing and no holding back.

then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
i will sing You as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

{rainer maria rilke}

hanging on

2010-01-06T11:21:00.002-06:00

driving in the bitter cold the other day,
i saw a few trees with brown leaves
still clinging to their branches - huddled
and brittle. and i wasn't sure whether
it was terrible or beautiful.

are they simply unwilling to let go,
clinging bitterly because this is
all they know, doubtful of anything
else being better? or,
like anna & simeon,
are they waiting for a glimpse
of the life that is to come,
holding on with hope until it does?

you will know it by its seriousness.

2009-12-21T23:16:00.003-06:00

for several years i've had an intense and yet far-off appreciation of rainer maria rilke. i read his "letters to a young poet" and practically underlined everything - wowed by the simple language that somehow housed a myriad of thoughts and feelings i thought were beyond words. for some reason i didn't follow my normal extreme of hunting down everything he'd ever written and reading all of those, too. until recently. a few weeks ago i bought his "book of hours" and another book of his religious poetry. hours is killing me.

on rilke, wikipedia states: "his haunting images focus on the difficulty of communion with the ineffable". i laughed when i read that. yes! that is exactly what he does. ineffable - incapable of being expressed or described in words. and yet - he does. whew.

several years ago a friend sent me a rilke quote after seeing one of my photographs. i finally found where the quote came from when i started flipping through hours.

i am circling around God, around the ancient tower,
and i have been circling for a thousand years,
and i still don't know if i am a falcon,
or a storm, or a great song.

but below is my favourite rilke thus far. i still can't fully believe that it's real. it's that good.

God speaks to each of us as He makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

these are the words we dimly hear:

you, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
embody Me.

flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
just keep going. no feeling is final.
don't let yourself lose Me.

nearby is the country they call life.
you will know it by its seriousness.

give Me your hand.

wake up

2009-06-19T14:38:00.004-05:00

i was particularly struck by the words of this arcade fire song today:

Wake Up

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’,
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little god’s causin rain storms
Turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’
With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am go-goin’

You better look out below!

like all good poems - it can't truly be explained line by line. but overall there is this simple honesty that fills me with hope. the recognition that whatever you thought before that brought you to this place of coldness can be shed. 'wake up'. 'hold your mistake up'.

county down

2009-04-16T15:28:00.003-05:00

i set off for downpatrick this morning armed with some vague instructions and the forecast of a lovely day. the good thing about driving in ireland is that really you just need to know the town you're heading to and the ones inbetween - then follow any sign pointing in that direction. one of the fun parts of driving in northern ireland is that they use mph and my car only has kph - so i have no idea what i'm supposed to be driving. ah well. :) i had pulled over early on to take some photographs and as i was about to head on, a lady honked at me. i thought i'd done something wrong but she was wanting my help to get to kilkeel. i checked my map and gave her directions. and she was irish. :)

i think i'm going to have to give up the computer soon, so i'll be brief...i got to see the saint patrick visitor centre and the downpatrick cathedral & cemetery where saint patrick is buried. the centre was surprisingly well done. after that i visited the ruins of inch abbey and then tried to find a dolmen west of ballynahinch, but the road i needed was closed and i couldn't figure out another way, so i headed back east to newcastle. on my way i stopped a few times for sheep. there are loads of lambs and they're so adorable. if it was easier to stop along the road more, i would. newcastle is along the coast, so i walked the promenade for a bit and then treated myself to some ice cream -- blackcurrant & cream. seriously?? so good.

this evening i walked through the park again. there are some marvelous trees. i didn't take my camera w/ me b/c sometimes i like to be free. just me walking. but now i might have to wake up early and go for a short walk again so i can take pictures of some of the trees i saw. then, i sat on a hill overlooking the loch. and watching the mountains and water in the gloaming. *sigh*

so now tomorrow i'll be heading up to cushendall and after that rathlin island.

arrived.

2009-04-15T14:30:00.003-05:00

so things had originally been set for me to arrive in dublin yesterday. but due to strange weather in atlanta, delta cancelled my flight on monday and booked me on one for tuesday. certainly not my happiest moment, but now that i'm here, i can only look forward. so tuesday morning i flew instead to jfk airport where i got to hang out for six hours awaiting my flight to dublin. an elderly welsh man saw my hiking bag and noticed my welsh flag patch and came over to chat with me for a moment. on the flight, i was seated by a lovely couple around my age. the husband is irish and the wife is american - californian to be exact. we talked a fair amount and had some things in common. they ended up giving me their phone #s as he works with the police so could help me out if i need anything. they even shared a bit of their easter candy with me. all in all the flight was good (except for not getting to sleep).

driving to rostrevor from the airport wasn't too bad. though i did have a false start off the lot when the car kept beeping at me and i couldn't figure out why, so i turned back only to have the guy note that i hadn't let up the emergency brake fully. nice.

the weather today has been overcast and rainy, but i was able to go on a brief walk mid-morning and after tea this evening without getting too wet. for those of you who helped with my camera bag rain cover -- it's holding up grand! the people here at the christian renewal centre are lovely, really going out of their way to make me feel at home. and i have a room facing the loch.

tomorrow i think it's to be nice out. and i plan to drive up to downpatrick and check out some saint patrick sites. and so the adventure begins! i hope i sleep well tonight. my mind's been a bit dodgy all day. please keep me and my little car in your prayers!! :)

not much

2009-04-04T01:04:00.003-05:00

i was sitting on my back porch tonight, well after the sun went down. the sky was deep purple. the dark greyish sort that is still definitely purple. the night sky is a strange, illusive thing. normally blackish-blue or navy. but sometimes there is another hue, like purple or a strange teal. but it's just a hint. you have to be sitting there looking at it to see.

whenever i sit outside by myself - especially at night - it's like i'm in a moment connected to a succession of previous moments like that one, where i'm sitting on a back porch or front porch, not looking at anything particularly beautiful and yet there's that bit of sky there and the way the neighbour's light is glinting off the silver wind chimes in my yard. and i'm not one for talking on the phone, but there are a few friends with whom i can chat and it's those whom i call at times like this and even when i can't reach them, it's like they're sitting there with me and the conversations we've had before are hanging from the branches of the trees.

it's not much. but it's nice.

yet

2009-03-30T19:52:00.003-05:00

it's funny because patience isn't necessarily easy for me, but i am intrigued by "not yet". it's one of my favourite things about traveling -- saving something for next time. four years ago when i was last in ireland, i finally made it to the connemara region north of galway. i'd written a story in college set there, but hadn't yet seen it for myself. the day i went was overcast and as the region is all hills, i missed out on part of its glory, yet...that meant there was more for another time. this time, i'll have a few days to check out the area, so hopefully i'll catch a clearer glimpse.

the other day i had a thought, which seemed like a perfect quote. so i figured it already was one and i was just remembering it. i googled it and found nothing. which at least means it's not a very famous quote if it is already a quote. i know the concept has been noted before, but perhaps not this phrasing...

the story isn't over until the end.

yes - it can be taken rather trite, but isn't that because it's true?

some recent old favourites

2009-03-05T17:21:00.006-06:00

so i've been scanning and uploading pictures from my last trip to ireland & the uk (feb/mar 2005) and coming across some photographs that i'd forgotten about. here are a few of my new old favourites.

a lovely missing (york)

i remembered this one, just hadn't seen it in a long while as i'd lent my album to a friend so she could use the pictures as inspiration for her painting. but the more i look at it the more i love it. it was part of a temporary exhibit in the yorkshire museum gardens. i'm now trying to hunt down more information on it (artist, title, etc). it intrigues me. there's something so simple and so lovely about it. and i'm glad for the b&w which accentuates the simplicity of line.

a place to remember (edinburgh)

this one, i don't really recall. i definitely remember the greyfriars kirkyard where i took it. and the strange cold rainy/snowy afternoon i spent there. i remember not taking many pictures, though there were many interesting gravestones and the green grass was glowing in the strange light of the overcast day. but this picture pleases me. perhaps one of my favourite cemetery pictures (and cemeteries are a common subject of mine). there's something in this composition, this almost looking over the 'shoulder' of the gravestone that gives a sense of closeness. a surprising embrace of sorts. oh, and it was fun to realise that it was exactly four years ago today that i took this picture.

an upcoming third

2009-03-02T13:20:00.006-06:00

my third venture to ireland is six weeks away. i started writing "trip" but that didn't seem apt enough, so i thought 'venture' but then wasn't sure if i meant 'adventure' or if 'venture' is correct. so i checked good old webster.

ven⋅ture: an undertaking involving uncertainty as to the outcome, esp. a risky or dangerous one;
speculation in which something is risked in the hope of profit

that may sound a bit dramatic for vacation. but there is a risk in seeking rest and rejuvenation. i often don't dare to claim it because i fear it may not be as good as i hope. i may not be refreshed, rejuvenated, restored. what if i just feel the same when it's over?

my first venture to ireland was from sep-dec 2001. besides beginning just days before 'september 11', there was plenty of uncertainty, plenty of change. but all the time, money, and comfort i risked definitely paid off in richer dividends than can be shown on a bank statement or resume. probably the most educational four months of my life. i got my 3rd tattoo to commemorate this time--to "remember" what the LORD did, who He showed Himself to be.

four years later, my second venture lasted two months [feb-mar 2005]. this time i risked a bit more in regards to what could be considered folly -- taking a break from my job to spend money travelling in the midst of trying to save for my upcoming move to los angeles. but again the daring paid off. among other things, my first photography show.

and now, again four years have passed and i'm heading back. this time i will only be there for three weeks. but this time i will also only be in ireland (the other two times i spent part of the time in the uk). and i won't be staying with any friends, just me wandering around ireland. and i'm renting a car so i can go wherever, whenever and stop at any lovely sight i see.

i can't wait.

to know the dark

2009-02-11T12:18:00.007-06:00

i was introduced to a lovely poem today by wendell berry. has some of gerard manley's magic to it. (that lovely moment when he says "with ah! bright wings" in God's grandeur)

i have always felt that i was supposed to love light and hate darkness. and that any inclination in me towards darkness was wrong. but there's something about evening that is lovely to me in a way that morning is not. something magical about an ending that is not yet the end. and this poem words a bit of that loveliness that lies even in darkness.

to know the dark
by wendell berry

to go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
to know the dark, go dark. go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.

imagination

2009-02-06T16:12:00.002-06:00

driving home the other night, thinking about words, i realized that people often use the word 'imagination' to degrade, cheapen or void what someone has said, thought or dreamed.

"you only imagined that."
"it was just your imagination."
"and how do you imagine that's ever going to happen?"

imagination is infused with hope and faith, none of which can be fully seen, explained or understood. it is not easy to hold this mysterious gift loosely; it can be confusing and lonely. but without it, i wonder if we kill off one of the central parts of our identities as God's children -- that of creators.

as a lovely British man i met once said, "dreams? God loves dreams. He's so good with them." He's certainly much better than i am. He breathes life into dreams, lets them grow into bigger things than i would ever trust, doesn't hedge them in mercilessly, or make them dependent on a list of ten steps.

from phantastes by george macdonald:

"do you not know me? but you hurt me, and that, i suppose makes it easy for a man to forget. you broke my globe. yet i thank you. perhaps i owe you many thanks for breaking it. i took the pieces, all black, and wet with crying over them, to the fairy queen. there was no music and no light in them now. but she took them from me, and laid them aside, and made me go to sleep... when i woke in the morning, i went to her, hoping to have my globe again, whole and sound, but she sent me away without it, and i have not seen it since. nor do i care for it now. i have something so much better i do not need the globe to play to me, for i can sing. i could not sing at all before. now i go about everywhere through fairy land, singing till my heart is like to break, just like my globe, for very joy at my own songs. and wherever i go, my songs do good, and deliver people..."

she went like a radiance through the dark wood, which was henceforth bright to me, from simply knowing that such a creature was in it. she was bearing the sun to the unsunned spots. the light and the music of her broken globe were now in her heart and her brain.

words

2009-02-02T23:39:00.003-06:00

words are important to me. each one has its own meaning. this can be altered by context or nuance; by tone or additional body language, if spoken. but people seem to have forgotten that words have meaning. they toss them about, misuse them, overuse them, until they become meaningless. or trite.

the other day i was about to remark that something was wonderful when i simply meant it was good. to be wonderful, a person or thing should be full of wonder. or full of something that incites wonder. if we only used 'wonderful' to describe such people or things, i kind of feel the world would be a better place. this is a tiny example, an almost ridiculous one. yet to me there is something sad about words not really meaning anything any more.

if people actually did what they said they would do, they wouldn't have to swear or promise or prove. they'd just do it.

i choose my words & try to mean what i say but sometimes it seems pointless because if people discard or cheapen meanings are they hearing any of what i intended? nevertheless, i am going to try and reclaim 'wonderful'.

sigur rós

2008-06-12T23:13:00.003-05:00

i've known of sigur rós for several years now, possibly five or six. but i've never owned an album or even listened (knowingly) to an entire one. there've just been a few songs that friends have shared with me that i've listened to over and over.

when i heard that they were playing in kc this summer something in me knew i couldn't miss this. even though it was nearly $30, i had to go.

ethereal. childlike. imaginative. playful. inspiring. delightful.

these are just a few words to describe the experience. i don't know what the land of iceland does to create its musicians, but bjork and emiliana, also embody these - have this amazing full-range of voice.

there were moments when the music would fill every corner of the theatre with its loudness. and there were moments when the single sound of the bells or one voice could fill everything with its quietness. sometimes all eyes were drawn to the stage where magical onion-like globes hung suspended in coloured lights, glowing yellow from within. and there were times when the lights fanned out green across the ceiling and into the crowd. once i even noticed how the bank of lights cast a shadow on the ceiling - a normally mundane tangle of wires and cylinders suddenly mysterious and part of the beauty filling up the room.

watching the band, it was the music that played them; they themselves were the instruments. the way they would sometimes all quiet themselves so that one could play or sing; the rest still. eyes down. waiting, listening for where the music wants to go next.

during the encore song, i watched as jónsi sang. for the first time during the evening, he held nothing in his hands. and they couldn't be still. couldn't stay down at his sides, where he tried to keep them. they found their way up, first one, then the other.

my only complaint: i'd love to hear them w/o a yelling crowd. i sense the band understands how to use silence and i'd love to experience that.

going to africa

2008-05-15T22:57:00.002-05:00

so i'm leaving for africa this afternoon. rwanda & kenya to be precise. it's going to be a long trek there and i already feel a little weird. not sure if i'm "feeling" the malaria medication or just think i am. :)

i feel like a trip like this makes one look different. maybe just to yourself, but i'm intrigued to look in the mirror two weeks from today to see.

i wanted to share really great remarks pre-trip, but time has flown by (or as donna said the other night, "time is freaking up my mind") and so this is all i have time for.

a moment with the flowers

2008-04-29T17:17:00.009-05:00

flowers have been my prayers of late. so i thought i'd share a few of my favourites from this spring...

the flowers of late winter and early spring occupy places in our hearts well out of proportion to their size.
~ gertrude s wister

the simple delicacy of crocus be they white or yellow or purple, striped or solid - takes my breath away every year: to see a crocus rise from ground that has been cold and dead for so many months, no rose in its summer glory can match it.

flowers have an expression of countenance as much as men or animals. some seem to smile; some have a sad expression; some are pensive and diffident; others again are plain, honest and upright... ~ henry ward beecher

can't you see that pansy raising its eyebrow at you? and this little bright-eyed blue guy - he's just about to burst with some sort of question or exclamation.

earth laughs in flowers.
~ ralph waldo emerson

people from a planet without flowers
would think we must be mad with joy the whole time
to have such things about us.
~ iris murdoch

my "Body of Christ" art entry

2008-03-25T20:19:00.006-05:00

on saturday night my church had a "Body of Christ" art show to start off the all-night prayer vigil before Easter. i entered a photo and poem piece. the image below is a digital shot of the framed piece - i'll try to update with a better image...

here I AM.

the Son of Man
did not come to be served,
but to serve, and to give
His life.

God fashioned His own Son, knit Him together
in a woman’s womb.

the Son said, “here I AM.” submitted Himself,
emptied Himself, released His rights, took
them off like a robe, folding it calmly and
carefully, placing it gently
at His Father’s feet.

“I have come to do Your will, o God.”

and the Father is well-pleased with His Son.

and the Son of God became
the Son of Man. became
human. became
salvation.

but first—

the Son of Man is going to suffer.
the Son of Man is going to be betrayed
into the hands of men.
the Son of Man will be betrayed
to the chief priests
and the teachers of the law.
the Son of Man will be handed over
to be crucified.

this Son of Man who said:

I AM the LIGHT of the world.
I AM the WAY.
I AM the BREAD of life.
I AM the true VINE.
I AM the GATE for the sheep.
I AM the good SHEPHERD.

this Son of Man
is going to suffer.

“I AM the LIGHT of the world,” He says.
quiet enough you have to lean in, to hear Him.
No darkness! for whoever follows Him.
just light. light forever. even the darkness
will not be dark to You.

“I AM the WAY,” He says. the way to the Father. the way to truth.
the way to life. the only way. the lighted way. the Christ-with-you way.

“I AM the BREAD of life,” He says. promising no more hunger.
taking it that one step further that makes you squirm and think
maybe you didn’t hear Him right because it sounds a little awkward.
“this bread is My flesh” – and if you want life, you have to eat it.

He offers it freely for you. for me. for children and for sinners.
for the world. for your neighbour. your enemy. your boss.
for that person you can never quite make eye contact with. for
the you, you can never quite face.

this bread,
this Christ,
this Body – broken
for you
is life. even in death, is life.

“I AM the true VINE,” He says.
“and My Father, [He’s] the gardener.”

the Father plants His Son in the earth. in among us.
He tends Him. and so big is His scope, that from Him,
from His Son, from His tending, we come. we are
the branches. us in Him brings all kinds of fruit.
us without Him? mere branches. dead ones. dry ones.

“I AM the GATE for the sheep,” He says. the way to salvation
and safekeeping. the way to green pastures and still waters.

a good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep.
“I AM the good SHEPHERD,” He says. “I know My sheep.”
before a word is ever on their tongues. I will risk everything:
“I lay down My life for the sheep.”

and the Father is well-pleased with His Son.
and the Father is well-pleased.

for the Father so loves the world.
and the Son so loves the Father.
and greater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends.

and the Son calls us friends.

and the Son lays down His life.

and the Father is well-pleased.

[note: Scripture is in italics.
also, some of the layout doesn't come through in this format]

another good one

2008-03-17T23:47:00.004-05:00

(i'll have to post again later about this fabulous day, but i couldn't let saint patrick's day end w/o a post. even if it's only a wee one.)

i was going to read saint patrick's confession in full again today - i think it's been a year or two since i read it - but time got away from me and i only ended up reading the first little bit. he references 2 corinthians 3:3:

“your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ Himself wrote it—not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human hearts.”

and though i know i've read it numerous times, i was struck by the image of Christ writing on my life with the Spirit; the replacement of ink with Spirit. how amazing and beautiful is that?

people always ask me why saint patrick? why ireland? one thing about patrick is that it seems once he admitted his need of God, he didn't turn from Him. he fashioned the rest of his days to follow Him and share His gospel with whomever he came into contact. why not celebrate such a person?

hope your saint patrick's day was a good one.

May the strength of God pilot us,
may the wisdom of God instruct us,
may the hand of God protect us,
may the word of God direct us.
Be always ours this day and for evermore.
- Saint Patrick

time to stare

2008-03-06T23:59:00.001-06:00

Leisure

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

WH Davies

gloaming

2008-02-29T23:20:00.003-06:00

loch lomond, scotland

[gloh-ming]
n. twilight; dusk; glow of sunrise or sunset
another great example of a word that is what it is.

give me the hour o' gloaming grey,
it makes my heart sae cheery o'.
- robert burns

but of the whole day i prefer, for my part,
the quiet hour that brings in the gloaming
- rev. william buchanan

o gloaming, thou hast richly shed a gladness over me,
as thy pale mantle thou hast spread alike o’er land and sea;
and while i’ve wandered forth alone in thy sweet tranquil hour,
i’ve soared in thought to worlds unknown through thy enchanting power.
- robert gemmell

if every night i could sit with a cup of tea and watch the gloaming, i would be rich indeed.

emotional onomatopoeia

2008-02-20T14:28:00.003-06:00

petřín gardens (prague)

prepare yourself to comment...

as onomatopoeia refers to words that "imitate the sounds associated with the objects or actions they refer to", i think there are words that somehow imitate the emotion or the meaning of what they're referring to.

alas - every time i say this word, it is exactly what i feel/mean.
wisp - the sound is the image
lovely - the word embodies what it's describing
daisy - it is that cheery simple flower

these are the ones that first come to my mind. i know i've had other moments with words like this. i'd love to hear some of yours...

comfortable silence

2008-02-20T13:57:00.010-06:00

petřín gardens (prague)

if you can sit in silence with a person for half an hour and yet be entirely comfortable,
you and that person can be friends. if you cannot, friends you'll never be and you need
not waste time in trying.
- lm montgomery (the blue castle)

i'm rereading several of lucy maude montgomery's books (most famous for "anne of green gables") - and am currently in the middle of one of my favourites, "the blue castle". right before the above quote, two of the main characters are just getting to know each other and run out of gas on an abandoned road. the guy says, "we'll just sit here, and if we think of anything worthwhile saying we'll say it. otherwise, not."

i think heaven will be like that. full of lovely silences that speak their own depth and joy. and only words that are aptly spoken.

the most perfect refreshment...

2008-02-18T23:38:00.004-06:00

“to sit in the shade on a fine day and look upon verdure is the most perfect refreshment.” - jane austen (mansfield park)

another photo from my may 2007 trip; again from the park in madrid; once more, overlooked until it flashed into life on my desktop, surprising me with the peaceful sun and shade, as i sit inside my cold house wrapped in a blanket trying to ignore the slushy cold outside.

folks always talk about people-watching and how fun that is. i do enjoy people-watching, though often it can be a bit overwhelming. but sitting outside and soaking in a scene of the simplest outdoor views - that is life. (e.g. in order to take this photo, i had to wait to ensure no one was milling about in my photograph...)

sometimes simple

2008-02-14T10:42:00.002-06:00

i recently discovered that on my mac i can set the desktop image to pull from my image folder of choice and change the image every five minutes. it can be a bit distracting when i should be working b/c whenever it changes, i want to hide all my open windows and see which photograph is now showing. but it's good for the soul. :) (my soul, at least) so i'm currently reliving my trip last may to europe & the uk. and this morning came across this photo (above). in the midst of all my other shots from the trip, this one never particularly stood out before; it's quite simple; could be from anywhere - doesn't seem exotic or foreign or adventurous. yet there's something about that one stripe of purple with all that green; the spotlights of sunshine (especially the little ones easily overlooked in the foreground). i almost felt like i should apologize for having overlooked this little gem for so long. it was similar to the feeling i have when i happen upon a dandelion in just the right placement and i think, at this moment, you are a flower, not a weed.

[to give the top photo its "exotic"-due, this was taken in the "central park" of madrid, el parque del buen retiro, whilst i was visiting kate & andré. as for the dandelion shots - the first i set up (in wichita), the second i truly happened upon (in germany).]

"did you think we'd all dream the same?"

2008-02-12T20:26:00.001-06:00

i've been hinted at and told recently that it's been a long time since i posted. i always feel like i have to have some great event to report, so i wait...and wait. in an effort to end the waiting - i decided to take a step and post something.

this morning i was driving, listening to my ipod and in one of those moments that seems perfectly timed, this song by missy higgins started playing.

"Scar"

He left a card, a bar of soap and a scrubbing brush next to a note
That said "use these down to your bones"
And before I knew I had shiny skin and it felt easy being clean like him
I thought "this one knows better than I do"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
He tried to cut me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

So the next one came with a bag of treats, she smelled like sugar and
spoke like the sea
And she told me don't trust them, trust me
Then she pulled at my stitches one by one, looked at my insides clicking
her tongue and said
"This will all have to come undone"

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle
She tried to blunt me so I'd fit

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

I think I realized just in time, although my old self was hard to find
You can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine
'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys
Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more?
And so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?
Could you leave me with a scar?

reclaiming again

2007-11-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

who knew that my urge to photograph statues would "pay off" (in non-monetary ways)? i found out from the producer/cinematographer, erica black, that i will not get paid, but i will be credited in the film - and i will now have the previous photo (of the king on horseback) as well as this one, which i took in toledo, spain earlier this year.

i presume the photos will appear as stills in the documentary; and the fact that erica already submitted my info to imdb makes me feel pretty confident that they will not fall to the cutting room floor! the film is supposed to release in march 2008 - hopefully it will come to a theatre near you (& me)! that would be fun.

a huge THANK YOU to michelle strong for scanning them in proper-film-style for me.

reclaiming the blade

2007-11-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

yes, i've been a blog slacker - but this was too good to pass up...remember when i mentioned selling a photograph through flickr for a university textbook? (see previous entry) well, i got another flickr mail from a girl wanting to use the above photograph for an upcoming documentary film!!

reclaiming the blade is all about the medieval sword. something i myself am fascinated with. and guess who is going to be narrating & interviewed? john rhys davies, viggo mortensen, karl urban, etc!! i can hardly believe it. i've yet to see if i get any $ for it, but she did say i would get a credit. :)

in the midst - sep 7

2007-09-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

my second photography show opens tomorrow evening at the imago gallery in the crossroads for first friday! i am already overwhelmed by the support and excitement of my friends...and it hasn't even "happened" yet.

i'd love to see you all there (217 w. 19th ter; kcmo 64108 - just east of central, on the southside of 19th terrace). it's "officially" from 7-9pm and that's when rachel bonar's band, oriole post, will be playing. but if that time frame doesn't work for you, i'll be there as early as 5pm - so you're welcome to stop by before all the festivities. and...if you can't make it out friday night - i will be moving the show to the jacob's well gallery for the remainder of september.

a recent random fun photography fact: i sold this photo for $50 to be published in a text book. theories of performance by elizabeth bell comes out in october 2007.

i first received an email in flickr from dr. bell’s assistant:

Your image of your friend acting like a car salesperson struck us as particularly engaging for theories of performing identity. I'd just been typing in keywords and it came up in a search. When Dr. Bell saw the image, she thought it would be great for the book!

after i expressed interest, dr. bell sent me further info:

Enough about performance, let’s talk about your image and this book. My goal in choosing photographs is to stay away from staged performances. There are plenty of photographs available of stage plays, concerts, and “famous” performers. Instead, I’m trying to include photographs that capture the fascinating ways that humans are creating, not “faking,” themselves, their relationships, and their commitments in the world. I’m also trying to include photographs that are really interesting to look at, beautifully composed and shot, and ripe for discussion in the classroom. Your photograph is a wonderful complement to the section on Performing Social Roles. Jaclyn and I laugh every time we look at it! You certainly captured the "sales" smile and handshake!

so wonderfully strange. in this instance, of course, i owe at least 60% to chelsea's acting & charm. :)

which wings? (please cast your vote)

2007-07-22T00:04:00.000-05:00

taken at locksbrook in bath, england. this particular angel stood out to me,
nestled among trees--further up, deeper in--the sleepy folds of the cemetery.

i'm not sure which is the better of the two, so i'm again asking for your opinions--
which of these two do you like better? (see below for larger versions)

cervantes welcomes you

2007-07-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

cervantes called toledo "the glory of spain and light of her cities". having only been to a few cities in the same general region, i cannot say for sure; but it was certainly an adventure traipsing after kate & andré down the narrow and twisty cobbled streets that could dead end at any moment.

there were churches everywhere, which isn't surprising having formerly been the capital of the holy roman, visigoth and muslim empires. i opted for bravely climbing the tower of the cathedral while kate & andré serenely sat down below.

i am so glad i was able to visit them in spain. my previous attempt to see spain in 2001 didn't pan out, but this was so much better. and it was delightful getting to spend an entire week with kate whom i've been friends with since we were two, but who i rarely get to see since we graduated ten years ago - and andré, whom i normally only get to chat with over the dinner table on christmas break.

thank you two, for being such good friends and hosts.

missing lloyd chudley

2007-07-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

i was just checking some film info on imdb.com tonight and came across a new film coming out based on a philip pullman book (the golden compass). well, he's the author of a victorian mystery trilogy that i'd hoped to write screenplays for one day, but i was beaten to the punch this last year when the bbc put out a tv movie of the first book, ruby in the smoke. tonight, this made a connection in my mind to lloyd alexander another young adult author i love, whose books i hope to write screenplays for one day. to my dismay i saw a beginning and ending date by his name. no, there are no movies in the works (according to imdb) but this was no longer on my mind.

lloyd chudley alexander died on may 17th. just a few weeks ago. a few months back, i'd gotten an address for him from his publisher. i'd wanted to write him and tell him how much i loved his books and check on the possibility of obtaining rights to write a screenplay. i know the latter part can be done through others; i know that authors probably get loads of letters - but i felt saddened to think, that i had a small window of time to get a letter to him, and my brief delay had cancelled that possibility. how can you not love an author who describes one of his main characters like this:

as for theo, he loved virtue, despised injustice, and was always slightly hungry. apart from that, he was reasonably happy.

i named my first cat after theo when i was ten years old. hopefully one day i'll be able to dedicate a film to lloyd chudley.

segovia: simple, detailed, layered

2007-06-29T10:53:00.000-05:00

kate & i took a bus to segovia. en route we had some gorgeous views of the mountains across the plains, but i always waited to long to try capturing picture. the bus station is rarely by the best parts of a city, so my first glimpse of segovia, was nothing special. we walked to a "little" church, however, and sat on a bench behind it to eat our bocadillos (turkey & cheese sandwiches)--

oh! allow me to digress back to madrid for a moment; i just remembered a great moment. kate & i had been walking for ages and finally stopped to eat our sandwiches on the steps across from the palace. we were really thirsty, but i think had already drunk our juice or had forgotten to bring them. but, kate, always thinking, decided to try drinking her orange. she removed a tiny portion of the peel and started trying to suck the juice out; of course, getting it all over herself. but she was quite proud of her quick solution. i opted for eating my orange (which was freaking delicious!). we were also entertained by a small boy who was taking great delight in chasing a pigeon around the stairs, laughing with pure glee every time it hopped away from him and a man sitting near by whose camera made a sci-fi laser sound any time he took a photo.--

ok, so we were eating lunch in segovia, looking at this gorgeous church, san millán, seeing the spires of the cathedral in the distance. then, we moved on to the ancient roman aqueduct, which, like the cathedral, you can see peeking above the city.

all in all - segovia was lovely. and in an almost humble manner - at least generally speaking; the cathedral, aquaduct and castle are all larger than life and gorgeous, but even so, there's a simplicity to them that made me like them more.

cast your green vote

2007-06-27T16:23:00.000-05:00

i need your help. these two photos are very similar and i can't decide which is the better of the two. can you please comment and let me know which one you like best? muchas gracias!

uno...

dos...

(both were taken in camarma, españa - where my friend, kate lived)

a spanish swartley sunday::el parque del buen retiro

2007-06-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

on of my favourite days in spain was the sunday that we spent in madrid. i'd heard about the typical "swartley sunday" and how kate and andré would take the train to madrid to spend most of the day wandering through the huge parque del buen retiro (350 acres) and step out for a coffee before heading home. the weather was gorgeous and there was so much to see in the park: a rose garden, great paths through trees, the "forest" monument for the victims of the march 11th (2004) bombing, and brain trees! they tried to prepare me for these delightful trees, but i think upon my first sight i actually gasped or clapped or both. andré thinks they're just a regular evergreen type tree, but cut to look this way. true imagination! i also love the completely natural "dr seuss trees" (as kate & andré have dubbed them) with their tall spindly slanted trunks and leafy tops.

they also had some great fountains and statues, one of which, el angel caído, depicts the fallen lucifer. it was stunning. i wanted to take a photo, but felt kind of bad, like i shouldn't want to. but photographers capture what they see - so i did. and was quite pleased when i saw the print: that bit of hopeful blue that he's cowering before - brilliant.

alcalá de henares

2007-06-13T11:31:00.000-05:00

it's often quite comical being a photographer. people are always confused as to what exactly you're photographing - and why. for instance, these doors. i'm walking along the street with kate - and suddenly i see these doors. brilliant! perfect subject. so i stop. and there were probably four or five passersby confused by my choice.

one of my favourite things about alcalá were the huge stork nests on the tops of buildings around town. apparently storks are good luck, so the city wants them to roost wherever they please. may be hard to tell from the photo how big the nests are - but just note that you can easily see them and they're on top of a really tall building.

kate's school was in alcalá - luckily for me, she had quite a bit of free time while i was in town so she toured me around. but when i stopped to take more than one photo, she'd find the nearest seat and start in on her homework.

camarma, and that something more

2007-06-12T13:47:00.000-05:00

i walked down this street every day to the bus stop in my friend's town - b/c to do anything we had to go one town over (alcala). i remember seeing this shot and setting myself up to capture it, when the sun went behind a cloud. i waited and waited. started feeling foolish and tried to convince myself it wasn't that cool anyway and i should just carry on. something made me stay, and wait. looking at the photo now, i see it's b/c here is a perfect example that my angle, isn't always the full story. the tree itself looks somewhat skimpy and awkwardly shaped, yet the shadow on the wall shows a full, lovely round tree.

the sun reveals something more than i can see.

i've started uploading my film photographs to flickr.
you can check out the digital snaps in the may travels set
and the 35mm photos in the a may journey set.

waiting

2007-06-11T17:14:00.000-05:00

God keeps no one waiting unless He sees
that it is good for him to wait...
you will find that the long wait
has done you some kind of good
which you would not have had otherwise.
but you must regard it as waiting,
not as camping. you must keep on
praying for light...

-cs lewis (mere christianity)-

oh oxford

2007-06-02T03:42:00.000-05:00

this was my window view when i woke up. you can see oxford's city centre in the distance. i got in last night and just walking through the streets was wonderful. jackie & i passed by magdalen college and saw this:

and for a moment it was like i was actually seeing a life size version of my photograph from my last visit. it obviously is a life size version, so i'm sure that doesn't make a lot of sense. can't explain, but it was bizarre and brilliant at the same time.

well, i'm off to start the day!

me mum's from lincolnshire (apparently)

2007-05-28T02:20:00.000-05:00

okay - so here's the tidbit i promised: on friday i was in bath. as some of you know, i have a tendency to pick up on the accents of those around me. i think b/c i'd been so long amongst non-english speakers, i really soaked up how people were talking once i landed in england. so, much of friday, i would find myself speaking in a british accent. i never knew when it'd come out until i started talking. since i don't know any of these people, it didn't really matter. but i got myself into trouble when i took a taxi to collect my things at my first b&b and head on to my second one. out came the british accent. and once we were on our way the taxi driver became chatty. where was i from? "kansas" but i don't sound like i'm from kansas. "well, me mum's british. she's from lincoln" (sorry mom! my british friends i met in prague were from lincoln & it sounded like a nice place) does she live here or in the states now? "states" does she miss england? "oh, yes." etc, etc. i couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth. but it seemed less awkward than trying to explain to a complete stranger that i pick up accents from people and i can't help what comes out. i guess at least i'm glad i really did sound british and not like an imposter.

another fun moment was when i arrive in bath, i got totally turned around by my directions. the b&b was only a mile away from the train station so i started walking but ended up going in the complete opposite direction, walking for like 30 minutes. eventually i stopped at another b&b to ask for directions. the lady was the quintessential british b&b-er. she brought me back to her kitchen and had me sit down while she called a taxi and rang my b&b to make sure they didn't give my bed away. she kept going back & forth between the front & the kitchen trying to find info for me and i didn't know whether i was to follow her or stay sitting, but it seemed rude to just sit, so i'd stand every time she got up. finally she turns to me and says, "sit down, love, i'm not the queen."

yes, i'm slow

2007-05-26T03:30:00.000-05:00

okay - so pretty much nevermind about a travel log whilst i'm travelling. :) this trip has been so different from my other experiences - an initial lack of internet and an almost continually full schedule have made my time when on the internet focused on checking email and arranging accomodation. for anyone interested, i plan on writing a travel log and posting it here once i return home.

right now i'm in bath (england), but in a few minutes i hop on the train for cornwall. so i only have a brief moment.

i was overjoyed upon arriving in england. almost felt like coming home. and bath has been lovely - though there have been some travel/accomodation frustrations for sure! ah well. i have a funny story that i'll post later tonight when i get to beki's.

oh to travel

2007-05-17T18:43:00.000-05:00

since i'm backlogged with stories and now wishing i were asleep, i thought i'd post two random travel tidbits from a few days ago. (i'm currently in germany, staying with my friend taryn - fabulous thus far!)

so i was supposed to fly out of madrid on monday (the 14th) at 19:15 and arrive in basel, switzerland by 21:25. i'd already booked my hotel which was a bus ride and a tram ride from the airport. this would be accomplished of course, only after i'd gotten some swiss francs (& quickly acclimated myself to the look of my new money). so kate kindly rides the buses with me to the airport in madrid and makes sure i get checked in okay. we sit and chat for a bit and then, she goes on her merry way. i sit and read for a while and finally head off to my gate to wait some more. i had to check my main bag this time, which always makes me a little nervous - but it's kind of nice not having to haul two bags around. long story shorter - right before we should've started boarding, they announced (in spanish, of course) that the flight was delayed TWO HOURS. that meant i wouldn't get into basel until midnight. a place i've never been, and a language that i can only say hi, bye, please & thank you. yippee. i call the hotel and they're open 24 hrs, so no worries there; however, the buses only run until 12:30 - so depending on if there's any hassle with the flight or airport, i may have to take a taxi or figure something else out. we ended up flying in after midnight, which the airport apparently normally closes at midnight (do airports really close??). thankfully my bag made it safely and i got some francs, but only got two 50 franc bills. there was a bus outside and i was trying to buy a ticket from the machine and this guy was staring at me that seemed to have some connection with the bus but didn't speak english. i thought he understood i was trying to get a ticket for the bus but the next thing i knew, the bus and the guy were gone. thankfully i could cancel the ticket purchase. and i knew that was the last bus - so i walked over to the remaining taxi and asked the guy if he spoke english, but he didn't so i took out my handy piece of paper where i'd written out how to get a taxi ride somewhere and dove in. he said it'd cost between 28-40 francs and i said fine (what else was i going to do?). he seemed really nice and could speak some spanish, so we conversed a bit that way. when he stopped in front of my hotel, i'm pretty sure he said something about 14. i pulled out my 50 and asked if it was okay (as in, do you have change for this) and he nodded. apparently it cost 37 francs - so i'm not sure if i got scammed or the 14 was just miles and not cost, but by that point i didn't care and wanted to pretend that everything was just great. whew.

the next day (my one full day in basel) i got to help a british man & his mother find a museum they were looking for even though i had no previous knowledge - i had a map and figured it out quickly enough to actually be helpful; and it was such a relief to hear english and with such a great accent. :) shortly after that i stopped for lunch at a little cafe and ended up having a waitress who was from california - so i was able to have a swiss experience but actually know what i was ordering. it was the best quiche/pastry i've ever had.

there's always more, but for now i'll leave you with two photos. the first is in one of the main platzes in basel, taken with my phone. the second is a typical delightful little bavarian cafe in munich.

¡ah, españa!

2007-05-14T04:42:00.000-05:00

this is a photo of kate & i in segovia, where we went on friday. it´s a lovely town just outside of madrid. we wandered through the streets and i visited the cathedral, which was gorgeous! sadly i couldn´t take photos or video inside, but i did get a bit of the cloisters. speaking of which, i was trying to take a photo when this family walked into my shot, so i waited while they headed for the centre garden. the bells rang and this little boy of 3 or 4 yelled out "hello, God!" and when he got into the garden yelled it again louder. it was so cute.

this is going to be another lame-ish entry simply b/c the internet place didn´t open until 2 hours after it´s supposed to and kate is supposed to get back from class soon and i have her house key. but wanted to post a wee bit before i leave spain (and fly to switzerland this afternoon).

i have tasted tortilla (a spanish potato omelet of sorts), vino tinto (red wine), paella valencia (scary rice stuff with CRAB, which i didn´t eat), natillas (custard), vino tinto de verano (almost sangria - you could only get a pitcher of sangria and i just wanted a glass so this was the next best thing). most of the time andre cooked for us, which was very tastey. and we had lots of bocadillos (sandwiches).

i´ve been to madrid three times; stayed in camarma; visited alcala several times (as we always have to go there first to get anywhere else; and that´s where kate´s school is); segovia; toledo. the towns are all fascinating with great old architecture and lively plazas. yesterday we went to kate & andre´s favourite park in madrid and it was AWESOME. think of central park in nyc but way way better. you can smell eucalyptus, honeysuckle and more. they have fantastic trees. even some called "brain trees" b/c they´ve been cut that way.

kate showed me how to make tortilla last night and i got to videotape the process, which was fun - especially as we were sharing her ipod (one ear phone each) whilst cooking.

another favourite capture of mine, was while we were in toledo - we were up on a hill and down below could see into the backyard of an elderly couple´s house. they were hanging out clothes to dry and were adorable. hopefully it comes out.

oh and also in toledo i climbed a church tower for a "view of the heavens" whilst andre & kate waited down below. i´m afraid of heights, but always fascinated by them. well, the stairs are thankfully one way, but you are in one room and can see all the stairs and they´re grilled, so you can see through them as you´re walking. i of course was freaking out. the lady ahead of me ending up chickening out halfway and i had to plaster myself against the wall so she could pass me and go back down. i almost followed her, but forced myself ahead. the view was grand, but then it´s time to go down. whew. i had flip flops on and didn´t think i could make it without tripping and falling to my death, so i took them off and stuffed them in my bag. the whole way down i was repeating "via con Dios" to encourage myself. i think i almost broke out in a sweat, but i made it! later that afternoon, we were walking down a narrow alley (toledo is known for its narrow, windy cobbled streets) and i tripped and skinned my knee quite bad. made me especially thankful for removing my flipflops before the descent down the tower stairs!!!

okay - i best sign off before kate has to wait for me.

(check out the pic for my previous post below...i just added it today)

en madrid

2007-05-10T06:16:00.000-05:00

as a preamble, the only thing on the screen in english as i write this blog is what i am writing. the blogger page itself, all in spanish. and i can´t figure out some of the punctuation on the keyboard, so i can´t always type how i want.

i was able to carryon on my pack & camera bag, so no worries with my belongings thus far! plane ride wasn´t grand, but definitely not my worst experience, either. since i can´t sleep on planes, movies are key. however, the first movie, freedom writers, was only dubbed in spanish, so i didn´t watch it b/c i actually want to see it at some point and i figured that would ruin it for me. the second movie was spanish and i watched part of it. the third movie was eragon, and i it was actually in english so i watched it. probably enjoyed it way more than i would have otherwise. i had a window seat and so i was able to catch part of the sunset and later watched the moon and stars for a while. pretty cool to be almost on a level with the moon! then, as we were approaching the airport i was able to see the land--mountains, olive tree fields, towns with red-roofed buildings. and when we were taxiing down the runway, i saw these gorgeous patches of red flowers, which i later found out were poppies and are EVERYWHERE. it was a nice welcome.

kate met me at the airport. and we headed to camarma where she lives to drop everything off. then took a bus to alcala and walked around. the town is really lovely and there´s definitely something distinctive to the look of spain. she showed me the huge nests on top of buildings for these storks (?). i was fascinated by these.

yesterday i went to her school in the morning and then we took a train into madrid and walked to the main plazas and saw the cathedral and palace. they have some amazing architecture here.

today i came into madrid by myself. thus far i´ve gone to the reigna sofia (art museum) and saw picasso´s guernica (per hannah´s suggestion). art museum´s always overwhelm me so i decided to take a brake before i head to the prado which is a massive museum.

don´t think i´m sounding too articulate but i still feel tired. i was awake for basically 32 hours before i slept tuesday night and then i´ve been walking and in the sun loads. hopefully my next post will sound more exciting!

just wanted to let you all know i´m alive and well in spain.

run

2007-05-01T00:06:00.000-05:00

signs of life

2007-03-28T19:42:00.000-05:00

this evening, i finished planting the pretty-rather-than-edible plants i purchased last saturday. i was waiting to make sure that the first few i planted did not suddenly die. in the process of planting and moving from backyard to front yard, i started noticing how many things have sprouted and grown just in the last few days (not from my planting...just in general) - tree's budding, rose bushes greening, everything, everywhere. i was particularly intrigued with the grape vine in our backyard just now sprouting leaves which are these lovely furry pink-edged leaf buds at the moment. so - i had to do camera duty. these are just digital snaps - but i ended up taking "real" photos, too, so hopefully those will turn out even better.

saint patrick

2007-03-17T18:32:00.000-05:00

a man who was stolen by irishmen from his home in scotland at the age of sixteen.
a man who in the midst of slavery found & surrendered to God.
a man who after six years finally ran away to freedom, only to seek out enough learning so
he could return to his captors and preach the gospel of Christ to a nation of pagans.

The determination to accept suffering and success with equal indifference guided the life of God’s instrument [Patrick] for winning most of Ireland for Christ.

and a little something from his own confession:

I am, then, first of all, countryfied, an exile, evidently unlearned, one who is not able to see into the future, but I know for certain, that before I was humbled I was like a stone lying in deep mire, and he that is mighty came and in his mercy raised me up and, indeed, lifted me high up and placed me on top of the wall. And from there I ought to shout out in gratitude to the Lord for his great favours in this world and for ever, that the mind of man cannot measure.

Therefore be amazed, you great and small who fear God, and you men of God, eloquent speakers, listen and contemplate. Who was it summoned me, a fool, from the midst of those who appear wise and learned in the law and powerful in rhetoric and in all things? Me, truly wretched in this world, he inspired before others that I could be-- if I would-- such a one who, with fear and reverence, and faithfully, without complaint, would come to the people to whom the love of Christ brought me and gave me in my lifetime, if I should be worthy, to serve them truly and with humility.

nearly there

2007-03-16T17:24:00.000-05:00

saint patrick's day is nearly upon us and these seemed cheerfully expectant.

dublin mBláth, 2005

hidden no more

2007-03-15T09:32:00.000-05:00

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.

You said, ‘No, we will get our help from Egypt.
They will give us swift horses for riding into battle.’
But the only swiftness you are going to see
is the swiftness of your enemies chasing you!

A thousand will flee
at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
you will all flee away,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
like a banner on a hill."

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for Him!

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. Cry for help and you'll find it's grace and more grace! As soon as He hears, He will answer you. Although the LORD gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them out like filthy rags, saying to them, “Good riddance!”

Then the LORD will bless you with rain at planting time. There will be wonderful harvests and plenty of pastureland for your livestock. The oxen and donkeys you use for hauling and plowing will be fed well. In that day, when your enemies are slaughtered and the towers fall, there will be streams of water flowing down every mountain and hill. Moonlight will flare into sunlight, and sunlight, like a whole week of sunshine at once, will flood the land when the LORD binds up the bruises of His people and heals the wounds He inflicted.

[Isaiah 30:15-26 NIV/NLT/MSG]

yes.

2007-03-12T18:05:00.000-05:00

i thank you God for this most amazing day,
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees,
and for the blue dream of sky
and for everything which is natural,
which is infinite,
which is yes.

-ee cummings-

crocus are the hope of spring to me.

about six

2007-03-05T16:50:00.000-06:00

my youngest nephew, jon, turns six today. since he probably doesn't read my blog, and he may have already gotten his gift in the mail, i can tell this story:

i was failing at all my creative birthday ideas, so i finally buckled and asked my sister-in-law what was on his list. i, of course, wanted to pick one of the super cool or fun items (this is one way aunts keep their special status); i first tried looking for a colts' helmet, but wasn't quite sure what i was looking for so figured i'd leave that for my brother. my second pass at the list, i focused in on the alarm clock. alarm clock? for a six year old? there's got to be something to this one - so i looked online and found a really cool one that tells you the date and time and temperature; can show the numbers on the ceiling; all kinds of stuff. i ordered it and then emailed my sis-in-law to find out why he wanted one. apparently it's the item he has repeatedly reminded her about. this was his reason:

jon's the only one in the family who doesn't have one, and when he gets up in the morning he has to go into his parents' or older brother's room to see what time it is. my brother has told jon he can't get up before 6 or something like that, and jon likes to check and make sure he is allowed to be out of bed in the morning.

absolutely ridiculously cute and awesome - all wrapped up in a six year old. :)

oh mother MAY i

2007-03-05T16:14:00.000-06:00

bought my plane tickets today. nothing makes me nervous like that final click on a flight site. whew. i will be out of the country from may 7th through june 6th. i'll fly into madrid (spain) and out of london. inbetween - i'll be in basel, munich, prague, bath, penryn, saffron walden, oxford, and windsor.

the folks above will be my introduction to mainland europe.

kate & andré are currently in spain while kate works on her masters. i'm a little nervous about going to a non-english speaking country. and spain in particular b/c i should know way more spanish than i do. but kate said she expects me to try, so try i shall. :)

taryn is starting her second year in germany working with younglife. told this girl i'd visit her at some point during her three years there, and so i'm excited to make that a reality. i'm not quite sure what to expect of germany; i don't know much about it except for holocaust history. so i'm intrigued for this first part of my journey.

these folks will welcome me back to the grand ole uk. these pics are actually from my last visit over in 2005.

i haven't seen beki, damon & lucy for over two years, which is way too long considering that beki & i have been friends since we were four and grew up living just two doors down from each other. can't wait to see them & cornwall again.

jackie & clint are still in oxford and i hope to at least pop in for a day or so
to visit and see their new lodgings.

light

2007-02-21T21:01:00.000-06:00

i love that God often uses light to describe Himself. there is so much beauty in real, living light. the sun. wow. after weeks and months of winter to be walking around in a jacket in the SUN. amazing. crazy work schedule and car in the shop AGAIN can be shoved in their proper place in the presence of such bright and glorious warmth. the mysterious glow of the moon and stars.

fire. that dancing, living flame. i was at church today for noon prayer and i was happily contemplating the candles, when the most brilliant idea came to me. wouldn't it be wonderful if we could hold flame in our hands. that jolly little swaying flame, resting right above our palms. how glorious it must have been for shadrach, meshach & abednego, walking around with Jesus in a furnace of fire. and how wonderful that the Holy Spirit came to the disciples at pentecost as flames above their heads. gives me reason to hope that maybe in heaven, i can hold it in my hand.

-may the LORD be with you during this lenten season-

a little light

sometimes so small – a mere pin prick –
and you feel no warmth, unless you
could sit in the flame, fit in the flicker

the glow holds you – no matter where you
look in the darkness – the glow holds you

how can so small a light
conquer so vast a darkness

yet DARK is beaten when
even the tiniest bit
of nothing becomes the tiniest
bit of something

a little
light goes a long
way

post script

2007-02-08T22:13:00.000-06:00

so - with my altered angle and specific focus, i have noted two positive changes with my new steering column:

1) i feel like neo drives smoother

2) the heat on my feet works WAY BETTER (now, i have no idea why this would be the case - but i swear it's more & it's hotter; which is a blessing in this frigid cold weather)

angle-n-focus

2007-02-08T16:04:00.000-06:00

whew. a positive attitude is a beautiful thing but it's finally hitting me how difficult it can be to maintain in the midst of "the way the world works". i got back some photos the other day and the one above struck me. its simplicity. softness. i remember using my zoom lens and i think i audibly sighed when this came into view. just a bare branch against a softly fading sky. i wish i could view the world like this sometimes (without looking through a camera).

i got my steering column fixed today after driving with a screw driver for nearly two months. thought i'd feel more of a sense of completion. but now the key kinda sticks. and when the driver door is open it dings like the key's still in the ignition - even though it's not. and so the screwdriver almost seems preferable to the key.

i'm trying to reform my thoughts the same way that i look for photos - with unique angles and specific focus. hey, it's worth a shot. :)

snowy musings

2007-01-31T14:35:00.000-06:00

i miss my old relationship with snow. that tingle of excitement when i first saw the flakes or heard someone call out "it's snowing!" no other type of weather in my experience, brings about that same childlike exclamation. you don't run to the window and shout "it's sunny" or "it's raining" in quite the same way.

there's more a sense of awe or magic to snow, somehow. perhaps it's the delicacy, the bright whiteness, the fact that it makes something beautiful of the painful cold. but i never recall being upset about snow as a child. it meant any number of good things: no school, building snowmen, snowforts, snowball fights, bundling up and simply crunching through the snow, snow angels, sledding, snow ice cream (did anyone else do this??). okay, i thought of one thing that might've disgruntled me - shoveling the sidewalk & driveway. but that's just one thing. and that often ended up including a snowball fight - so not all bad.

now, snow makes me think of: scraping my car windows, super slow driving, car accidents, nasty grey slush, wet jean legs. last year when i moved to LA - i was so excited that i'd never have to scrape my windows again. (alas)

i still can't help but appreciate: the colour of the sky and the deep silence of a snowy night, snow falling, the crunch of snow underfoot, how my cheeks sting when i enter a warm room after walking in the cold, the moment before there are any footprints in the snow, ice-encased nature.

i just wish my initial reaction was still excitement and wonder.

(maybe if i had a chauffer?)

amazing

2007-01-26T16:16:00.000-06:00

i got to go to a free screening of michael apted's new film, amazing grace, on friday. it is brilliant.

i appreciated the film's honesty and ability to show christians as genuine human beings who have wit and charm and failings, but who strive for truth and justice.

my friend, kelli, noted how the film didn't follow the normal pattern of "problem to solution in no time flat" - but allowed the story to take time, to allow temporary defeat, and then, to pick up again to carry through to the end.

i don't want to say too much before it's open, but definitely put it on your lists to see. i mean, it has albert finney, michael gambon, ciarán hinds, ioan gruffudd, rufus sewell, etc.

opens feb 23. the 200 year anniversary of wilberforce's triumph in parliament over the slave trade. i always like when things like that happen (events occurring on related special dates).

the God who comes

2007-01-18T18:04:00.000-06:00

i started reading carlo carretto's "the God who comes".
i'm only in the introduction and have already underlined
whole sections and had to blink back a few tears.

carretto talks about how the problem we face is this:
is God an autonomous presence, or
is He only present in things?
does He come to me as a cloud or as a person?

i hear much talk of "the desert". that wonderfully grown-up idea
that through suffering we grow and learn. that dry spells test
and increase our faith. i don't doubt this to be true but it can
get quite frustrating after a while.

i want carretto's words to refresh my memory and renew my faith--
that God is. and that He comes.

"to pray means to wait for the God who comes.
every prayer-filled day sees a meeting with the God who comes; every night which we faithfully put at His disposal is full of His presence.

and His coming and His presence are not only the result of our waiting or a prize for our efforts: they are His decision, based on His love freely poured out.

His coming is bound to His promise, not to our works or virtue. we have not earned the meeting with God because we have served Him faithfully in our brethren, or because we have heaped up such a pile of virtue as to shine before Heaven.

God is thrust onward by His love, not attracted by our beauty. He comes even in moments when we have done everything wrong, when we have done nothing...when we have sinned."

-- carlo carretto

hope

2007-01-09T12:38:00.000-06:00

i've always loved crocus. growing up, the corner of our lawn bordered by the house and driveway was the crocus spot. every year i would expectantly await the first signs of life in that little patch. the blooms themselves don't stand out against more popular flowers, but there was something inherent to them - seeing them blooming out of snow, before the grass turned green, when all else seemed dead.

i think the colour yellow is somewhat similar to the crocus. nice in itself, but set against colours like red - it seems common or insignificant.

i watched "the last kiss" with donna this weekend. i wouldn't recommend it, but there was one line tom wilkinson's character said, that i really appreciated: you can't fail, if you never give up.

i think it's easy to see this "never giving up" as something extravagant. last january, i moved to los angeles to pursue my dream of working in the film industry. now i'm back in kansas city and don't know what i'm preparing for. that may appear to be giving up - but i think there's something to the crocus, lying in wait under the ground, holding out through the winter, knowing it will be ready when it's time to bloom.

faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen.
without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have. for,
God can be trusted to keep His promise. hope that is seen is no hope
at all. wait for the LORD, be strong and take heart, and wait for the LORD.

[heb 11:1; heb 10:23; rom 8:24; psa 27:14]

such an end

2006-12-27T21:16:00.000-06:00

so i tried to hold out against the sunset tonight as i drove home.

i kept telling myself, sunsets are always beautiful and you can't photograph every one. it's annoying to stop on the side of the highway. as soon as you stop it's only going to fade. any minute it's going to fade.

but the sunset did not go away. it kept getting better and better. and there really never would be one quite like this. so i thought, i'll take a quick shot whilst driving. i kind of have a knack for it after my two long drives to california & back. but even that wasn't enough.

so i ended up stopping on the side of the road for a few brief digital shots.

and decided that in the near future, i'm going to have to take my good camera and drive out to the kansas countryside and set-up for the evening to capture an entire sunset.

advent

2006-12-25T00:39:00.000-06:00

the people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
a light has dawned.

be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

there is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.

My righteousness draws near speedily,
My salvation is on the way...

isaiah 9:2; psalm 31:24; proverbs 23:18; isaiah 51:5

and so it begins.

survived-survive-surviving

2006-12-21T13:53:00.000-06:00

neo now has official plates and i can legally drive him. i purchased a new club so i can park on the street again. it doesn't work quite like i remember from the last time i had to use one, but it has been almost two years, so perhaps it's just poor memory. i parked out front for the first time last night. woke up really nervous at 1:30am and had to go downstairs and assure myself neo was still out there. he was.

so he's in process: head gasket (and all the stuff underneath - timing belt, water pump, etc) fixed/replaced. radiator replaced. dash lights working. muffler rebent. twice. garbage removed. seats febreezed. plastic bits cleaned.

still need to: fix the steering column. vaccuum. febreeze febreeze febreeze (will the smell ever leave?). give away or trash the random things in my trunk. fix the hood. fix the dash. screw my license plate on (the screws were gone).

a good example of how life is always a strange mixture of "ed"-"ing"-"e".

a two-hour example

2006-12-16T15:06:00.000-06:00

just watched the devil wears prada which a fellow california PA recommended to me. he said it's a great depiction of what it is to be a production assistant. a little glamourized, a little dramatic, but scarily true. i didn't last as long as long as the girl in the movie did, and i never worked for anyone quite that demanding - but it seriously was crazy what was expected. the whole - here's a list of five nearly impossible tasks that must be done in this amount of time w/o any details and always the assumption that you have a clue what or who they're talking about - that was definitely the reality. i think if i'd been straight out of college - i would've stuck it out longer, but having been graduated for over six years makes me less willing to hand over my life just to get ahead. the movie was pretty good, nothing spectacular, but worth a watch if you haven't seen it.

beauty is fleeting

2006-12-14T18:00:00.000-06:00

i took a few quick digi shots of the sky whilst on the phone and then ran inside and threaded a colour roll in my good camera only to find that in a mere matter of minutes the sky had faded to a dull "insignificicant" purple and i'd missed my chance to capture this well.

got neo back today. the guys at prairie 66 are AWESOME. they did a good job and are honest and amiable. it was even slightly cheaper than originally quoted. and who says thieves don't leave good gifts...$-chain? wolf blanket?

it still smells and there is a load of crap in there. i cleaned out the trash, but there's still loads of random things in the trunk that i'm not quite sure what to do with. anyone want tow rope or an extra set of jumper cables?

if all goes well (or at least slightly better than the norm of late) then, monday, i should be able to get my plates. until then, plateless neo is parked in my driveway and i will be walking for a few more days. and driving with a screwdriver hopefully for not too much longer.

thanks again to all who have been of comfort in this time. and i dearly hope none of you have to experience any of this for yourselves!

the power of professional

2006-12-10T17:45:00.000-06:00

first time in twenty years that i've gone somewhere to cut my hair.
(this includes even cheap places) usually it's just me & my scissors.

trisha (bellez design studio) even got my hair straighter than i ever
thought possible. i probably won't be doing that too often...special
(expensive) tools and extra time...but nice to know i could.

got all ten

2006-12-07T11:30:00.001-06:00

fri, dec 1. worst morning of my life.
survivable due to the help of friends and the Holy Spirit. but wow. i certainly never thought i'd be praying that God would save my toes...

7:30am - my housemate, holly, kindly wakes up early on her snow day and drives me to the belton,mo police impound to pick up my car. (please note: she'd already driven me half-way there the night before in the start of the snow storm only to find out they'd closed at 5pm; she kindly chalked the hour+ drive-time to enjoying the snow and christmas lights.)

8:10am - we arrive at the impound and find out i'm supposed to have $125 in cash to retrieve my car. thankfully there's an atm down the street. (apparently my car had been released last tuesday after the police called, but it got shuffled around and no one called to inform me - thus the holding fee of the lovely police impound. also note: tuesday was 70F while friday was maybe 15F.)

8:30am - the impound guy takes me out to my car and shows me how to start it with a flathead screwdriver. quite simple. my first view of my car's interior brought tears to my eyes. the damage to the dash was completely unnecessary and there was trash and stuff everywhere. it reeked and appeared as if they'd just thrown all of my stuff out somewhere. for the next 45ish minutes holly and i scraped away at my car. soaking our feet in the snow drifts as we worked. oh - the heater wasn't working, so it was all brute force and long suffering. :)

9:15am - holly and i head to the gas station before trying to get back to 71. we have to switch so i'm following her since i can't see out my windshield very well due to no heater. so i've got my window down and am wiping the windshield with my hand. we weren't on the highway very long before i realized my heat gage was way high and climbing. and the spray from the passing vehicles was making it nearly impossible to see.

pulled off but then tried again before realizing the highway was not an option. so we started heading back to kc via the streets. some of which were long uphill sheets of ice. at one point i called my friend donna to see if she could check a map and ensure that we were actually driving the right direction. she gave me the info i needed and we were off again.

i've never been so cold in my life. i was shivering and couldn't speak without stuttering. i'd stomp my feet at stoplights and try to curl my toes, but after a while i couldn't feel them. i seriously started praying that God would save my toes and i wouldn't lose them to frostbite.

[some of you are probably thinking at this point (or several points ago): why didn't i stop and have it towed?? i don't know. at this point i couldn't think clearly and all i could focus on was getting it to my house or to my auto shop. i couldn't even think long enough to understand what you do when your car's overheating. all i could think about was the fact that there were no plates on my car and so i couldn't leave it.]

so after balling to my friend sarah when she called while i was at a stoplight and trying to get her to understand through my stuttering that i couldn't talk b/c i needed my hand to wipe the windshield, holly and i made it to ward parkway. we were on our way!

but near 64th my car totally overheated again and i had to pull off. holly kindly went on to the church where i was supposed to be letting some people in. and i waited for sarah to come. in the meanwhile i removed my shoes & socks and started rubbing my feet back to life. thankfully i eventually could feel all ten toes! donna chatted with me over the phone while i waited and when sarah arrived, i got into her warm car and held tight to her hot water bottle while she borrowed water from a neighbour (we forgot there was water in the hot water bottle (?!) and we replenished my radiator so we could drive on to the auto shop.

12:30pm - thankfully the auto shop guys were kind and helpful and from then on things started looking up.

i finally got the estimate yesterday. have to repair the head gasket and radiator. the heater should work after those are fixed. i'll also have to repair the steering column, not sure how much that will be yet.

but i've already had three different people give me a very generous amount of money to help with the repairs. amazing. absolutely amazing. the kindness i've experienced in these last weeks far outweighs any frustrations or wrongs. i am continually grateful.

Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ beside me
Christ when my car is stolen, Christ when my car is found,
Christ when i'm freezing cold, Christ when i can't think straight,
Christ in the hands that give, Christ in the hearts that comfort

may Christ be with you.

musical vision

2006-11-30T15:04:00.000-06:00

just found out that the irish hymn "be thou my vision" (one of my favourites) was written to the tune
of a song about slane hill, which is where st. patrick bravely lit the pascal fire, defying the king,
and one of the first steps in beginning the spread of christianity around ireland.

matt always says it best

2006-11-29T15:54:00.000-06:00

i thank Thee first because i was never robbed before;
second, because although they took my purse they did not take my life;
third, because although they took my all, it was not much;
and fourth because it was i who was robbed, and not i who robbed.
-matthew henry-

my car was found late monday night (nov 27).
i have yet to have it back in my possession,
but tis still wonderful to know it's found.

some sufjan comfort

2006-11-22T10:39:00.000-06:00

i always knew you
in your mother's arms
i have called your name
i have an idea
placed in your mind
to be a better man
i've made a crown for you
put it in your room
and when the bride groom comes
there will be noise
there will be glad
and a perfect bed
and when you write a poem
i know the words
i know the sounds
before you write it down
only wear your clothes
i wear them too
i wear your shoes
and your jacket too
i always knew you
in your mother's arms
i have called you son
i've made amends
between father and son
or if you haven't one
rest in my arms
sleep in my bed
there is a design
to what i did and said

[from vito's ordination song]

a mix-mash of memories

2006-11-21T17:30:00.000-06:00

kerry recently mentioned the photographs i took at her wedding a few years ago, so i looked back through different sets of my wedding pictures and decided to scan a few to share. taking photos at weddings is always an interesting experience for me. the opportunity to capture something absolutely wonderful is heightened - but so is the chance of missing or messing up on a once in a lifetime event. at kerry's wedding, i'd just returned the week before from being in ireland & the uk for four months and i forgot to bring my flash. overall things turned out well. except for when i tried to get outside for the "exit" shot after the reception...

hurrying in platform shoes
down cement stairs
isn't the best combo.

among my recent rehash of memories is the story of my car. how when my last car caught on fire while i was driving down mass street in lawrence and i didn't know how i was going to finish paying off my student loans, continue saving for my trip back to ireland and for moving to california, and buy a car, God provided through a couple at my church, who gave me their 98 neon -- the newest & nicest car i've ever owned.

"neo" was stolen on saturday (november 18). it still doesn't seem real. i feel like if i just look out front again, my car will be there. that somehow i've just overlooked it. i also keep remembering what was in it: a quilt my grandma made, a Bible from my mom (with all those random notes/pics i stuck in there over the years), a necklace from my parents to which i'd added a saint patrick pendant i got in dublin that hung on my rearview mirror.

somewhat similar

2006-11-17T09:03:00.000-06:00

kansas fence (off hwy 99) & glen fence (glencolmcille, donegal, ireland)

i was driving home from visiting my family for my mom's birthday a few weeks back. my camera was with me, as i'd had to take more autumn pictures. i feel like i'm always seeing great photos as i drive from kansas city to wichita, but i'm always in a hurry, or "i've already passed it now and i don't want to turn around" or something.

not the case in ireland, whilst visiting with marilyn last year. all i had to do was draw in my breath and she'd be willing to stop.

of course, there aren't such sights as these. but sometimes the simplicity itself is breathtaking.
and so for once, i finally stopped. and took a few photos. of kansas.

somewhat similar, i think

my view is

2006-11-08T00:43:00.000-06:00

angled web

scanned a stack of photos this evening and added a few more pics from my 2004 trip to nyc. i remember one day specifically setting out for the brooklyn bridge - not to be waylaid, as i was my first trip - because i had to see it for myself and photograph it.

what is it about some places or things that can entice you to add your photo(s) to the plethora of others? i was actually well-pleased with my brooklyn bridge photos. but i remember thinking as i walked for ever in the cold, "it better look cool."

yesterday's photo shoot

2006-11-06T17:18:00.000-06:00

everyone needs a good hat

had the pleasure of photographing ethan yesterday at the arboretum for his "one year" pics. always interesting moving backwards with a camera plastered to your face (thus, limiting your view) trying to stay focused on a young, cute, moving subject. but between the aid of julie and amy, and the adorableness of ethan, we managed some good ones.

oh, leaves

2006-10-31T09:46:00.000-06:00

reminds me of home
the north side of my house growing up was covered with ivy.
sadly i never captured its autumn glory while i lived there.

i can't seem to stop taking photos of the trees this fall. i'll even pull over whilst driving somewhere to take snaps with my digital cam. and i've already gone on three "official" photo outtings with my 35mm cam.

i try to tell myself that i don't need yet another photograph of a glowing, glorious tree. yet God chooses to pour out His creativity year after year, tree after tree, without tiring or thinking it "too much" - so who am i to stop enjoying and documenting just a few more of His greatest triumphs?

oh, leaves
really wanted to take a picture laying in a bunch of leaves,
but figured a public curb was more acceptable than a stranger's lawn. :)

hidden treasure

2006-10-29T21:46:00.000-06:00

a few weeks ago i stopped by the irish store, just blocks from my house. i came across a wall hanging with a quote on friendship by george eliot, i'd never read before. i looked it up on the internet and discovered it's actually by dinah craik, from her novel, a life for a life.

i was intrigued. miraculously got it through interlibrary loan (brilliant!) and had two weeks in which to read all 400ish pages.

to begin with: the book i received was the "new" edition, published in the 1860s. (the original was published in 1859) so i have this hundred year old book, beautifully printed.

then, the preface alone amazed me. the author confesses in her first edition she changed her story slightly because she feared the public would never bear it;--would never endure that a man-slayer should be represented as a hero, invested with all moral virtues, and finally be loved. however, in her second edition, she declares she is not afraid now. and so attempts to portray in her novel what the most sinful man's life could be made to be--through the one Christianity which was sent alike to both the righteous and the wicked.

and the novel only fulfilled my hopes. this is an astounding book. beautiful, simple, intelligent. full of honesty and hope, love and hardship. emily brontë describes dreams how i'd describe good books - that they have stayed with me ever after; and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. craik's novel is among these. i will forever be thankful for the nudge that lead me to delve into the origins of this quote.

oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one’s deepest as well as one’s most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort—-the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—-having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

you can read the novel online, here. but, if you ever see an old version for sale that looks like this and it's not too ridiculously priced - let me know!! i'd love to own this old beautiful copy.

a lifetime debut (of sorts)

2006-10-10T02:35:00.000-05:00

if you watched "off the leash" on lifetime tonight (mon, oct 9), there were two quick shots of me in episode one as well as one brilliant audible moment, when i said "yeah" and you could see my shoulder.

shot one (i'm on the top left) - at the very beginning of the show.

my audible moment (& my shoulder)

there was one more shot of me taking a picture outside of le paws with all the people lined up to audition, probably within the first 10 minutes. my hair was in a pony tail and i was wearing jeans and a black t.

also take particular note of the gorgeous black tablecloth on the judges table during the auditions. purchased by yours truly. as were the winning dog collars, which they did NOT use (thus, you cannot see these). even though i drove around (and around) for three hours the morning of to purchase them. typical.

in episode two: my friend, richard, who hooked me up w/ the job, is the mail man & one of the photographers.

the show is definitely entertaining & worth a looksee if you've got cable...and time. :)

oh - and my name was in the credits, too! look for production assistants at the very end. rather fun to see (for me).

*the pictures are print screens of youtube; that's why they look crappy.

oh, coats

2006-10-06T01:40:00.000-05:00

thanks to hannah for reminding me that i love coats.

my first favourite was a brown corduroy coat i bought at goodwill for less than $3 my freshman year in high school. it lasted for a good eight years. when i'd sewn up the pockets and sleeves and lining enough to basically remake the coat, i realized it might be time for a new one.

i found this green one at another goodwill in college for like $2. sadly, i could only wear it if i was wearing a tanktop and didn't plan on moving my arms at all. not sure how i thought my shoulders were going to grow narrower, but i bought it anyway.

at least i got a fun photo shoot of it with my friend melissa, who could fit into it more naturally. and i finally handed it over to hannah, who will actually wear it.

thankfully, i also found this orange one at goodwill for 25 cents! and can and do wear it.

and i'm sure one day, i'll find myself a green coat again. that fits!

i'm in!

2006-10-04T14:23:00.000-05:00

preview

my friend summer who was one of the official PAs for "off the leash" sent me some you tube links for the show. if you check out the preview link above - you can see a quick flash of me within the first 10 seconds (standing on the left side of the screen in a brown polo t). and when you see the water being poured into the dog's dish - you can hear me say "yeah". brilliant, i know. :)

the official word

2006-10-03T22:25:00.000-05:00

times are in et/pt; so one hour earlier for ct

a possible debut

2006-10-01T23:31:00.000-05:00

the dog reality show i worked on in LA is supposed to air this month. i've been finding conflicting info, so i'm not sure exactly when. some sites say it's mon, oct 2nd @ 11pm. another says it's mon, oct 9th @ 8pm. and what does et/pt mean, anyway?

i'm curious to see whether they kept the bit i was in and if you'll actually be able to see me. regardless i'm sure the show will be a typical over-the-top reality show and thus, probably quite entertaining.

so if you have cable, check out your lifetime schedule for "off the leash". if you missed reading my fun adventures in dog hollywood, read these...

june 14
june 15
june 18

same temperature

2006-09-19T22:53:00.000-05:00

i realized something today when i walked out into the cool autumn morning, dressed in jeans and long sleeve shirt and wrapped in my chunky brown sweater. this is the exact same temperature i run out into wearing shorts and tshirts in the spring, exclaiming about how warm it is. bizarre.

criminal activity in kck

2006-09-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

for those who have not yet seen my new home - here it is. a bit mysterious and spooky in the evening light. at the time this picture was taken, i didn't notice the foreboding.

for the first time in my life i have two rooms of my own. somehow that has really been confusing me, when i try to organize. but it's definitely fun. and i even have a magnolia tree in my backyard - which reminds me of california.

as for being back in the "safe & serene" midwest...last week someone hacked into my gmail account, deleting everything and then, my paypal, attempting to steal $700. my favourite part of the whole ordeal was when i read paypal's initial response to my situation:

Dear Beth Mercer,

Hello my name is ****, I am sorry to hear about the situation regarding (Briefly repeat the members situation), and understand your frustration and concern over this issue. I will be happy to assist you with your questions.

[note: i put in the **** so as not to harm the person.]

talk about a form letter! thankfully by the time i read this, i was a bit calmer and could just laugh (a lot). and when i talked to a paypal rep later on the phone - she was extremely helpful. still... :)

so...if you have my gmail address it is now mine again - however, my address book was deleted so if you haven't heard from me in a while - please contact me.

and in case you were wondering - hacking isn't cool. especially when you delete email and steal money.

portfolio

2006-08-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

i've decided to use flickr as my photography portfolio. a lot easier than trying to use my scattered knowledge of html to create basically the same thing.

so i'll probably be flooding my account with loads of old photos from past trips and other photos in general over the next few weeks. feel free to check it out and leave comments.

hope you enjoy.

do a generous story.

2006-08-05T22:31:00.001-05:00

i love this shirt. i think it is the BEST shirt ever created. i wish there was a more fantastic word to express how much i LOVE this shirt.

even better, just below this cursive bit - it repeats the sentiment (word for word) in small "typewritten" paragraph form.

i bought this in thailand a few years ago. the thais love english, but don't necessarily understand its grammar or spelling. that's what makes this oddly phrased bit of loveliness so wonderful. there's good meaning hidden within these jumbled words.

sadly (for me) this "one size fits all" t, didn't fit me. but that allowed me to share it with one of my favourite people, who can actually wear it and share it with the rest of the world. so thanks, hannah. :)

for a nonTV girl [me], the brits win every time

2006-08-05T12:39:00.000-05:00

for me, it started with SPACED. my friend beki introduced me to the show during my visit to the uk last year. i watched all of season one during my stay and was desperate to see two, which sadly was the end of the show. i've now watched both seasons multiple times and consider spaced my favourite tv show. co-written and co-starred in by simon pegg and jessica stevenson, it is brilliantly funny, quirky and even amid the madness - real. very hard to get your hands on this, as it never came to the states and there are no "official" region 1 dvds. check ebay. or borrow mine. :) [also check out simon's films "shaun of the dead" and the upcoming "hot fuzz"]

then came...

which i'll let speak for itself.

and then...

this show is frickin fantastic. i've blazed through seasons 1-3 [thanks to netflix] and am now trying to get my hands on 4. after seeing matthew macfadyen in the latest "pride & prejudice" film, i wanted to see what else he'd been in. when i saw that his wife, keeley hawes, who i've liked in a few bbc shows, was also in the series, i decided to check it out. if you like drama, spies, anything british, good writing - you must watch these. i have been blown away by the powerful writing, acting, and filming. and appreciate that not one person in the cast or crew stands above the rest - they are all equally outstanding.

[props also go to john cleese's fawlty towers.]

twenty-seven

2006-08-01T09:10:00.000-05:00

this is me at seven. back when birthdays always meant getting munchkins for breakfast. (if that sounds bizarre - they're simply donut holes of various sorts from dunkin donuts.) and having swim parties - the main benefit of a july birthday, especially since during the school year summer birthdays were always corralled into a one day celebration in may (see below). i think on my sixth birthday, however, my friends and i went to a park that had this cool wooden playground, only to be holed up in one corner because there were teenagers making out in the middle section that connected all the parts. we were a bit miffed.

this year for the big 27, i got to experience mccormick & schmick's *chocolate bag* thanks to my good friends. once again, sounds somewhat bizarre, but is overwhelmingly good. thankfully, i was sharing with at least two others. otherwise i might have made myself sick. and my sister gave me these old dr. pepper glasses from 1979 she found in an antique mall! (if the math takes too long - i was born that year)

thanks all.

in no particular order of course...

2006-07-11T22:18:00.000-05:00

LA, some of what i miss:
-the possibility of ocean
-the smell of eucalyptus, magnolia, jacaranda, jasmine when i walk out my front door
-citrus trees
-going on night walks in my neighbourhood
-running my hand along the cement and brick walls enclosing yards at just the right height
-the ever-present right turn lane
-two-lane residential streets that easily accommodate parkers and drivers
-ikea (now that i again lack furniture and have the future possibility of a consistent income)
-Bible study
-friends
-trader joe’s
-being surrounded by people who don’t care if you know what you’re doing
-lack of humidity
-lack of insects, such as mosquitoes
-a majority of people who know how to drive well with others

KC, some of what i’m glad for:
-not having to constantly parallel park
-not having to leave hours before something to arrive on time
-cheaper gas
-my church
-friends
-soon a whole house to share with just one other person and no mold
-close proximity to loads of people & places
-wolf camera in westport
-the irish store on 43rd
-sonic
-QT’s 59 cent fountain drinks
-fall and winter and spring will look and feel vastly different than summer
-o’dowd’s irish pub

alas

2006-07-10T17:42:00.001-05:00

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. [Bill Vaughan]

this amazing pine once stood at arno & stateline in kc, ks. i drove by it everday on my way to work for two years. i always got a bubble of expectation when i knew i was approaching "the arno tree". something about the placement of the branches made me feel suspended, not simply driving by the tree, but somehow circling around it. difficult to explain. impossible to capture in a photograph.

the other day i was driving down stateline, a few blocks before arno, my anticipation begins. as i reach the block, my jaw drops as my eyes take in the empty lawn. for several blocks past, i couldn't close my mouth. the arno tree was gone.

a similar thing happened with this amazing tree in kilkenny, ireland. which i photographed with a wimpy camera back in 2001, fully expecting to return for a real photo op. however, my visit in 2005 found an empty lawn, as well.

hopefully i can get back to this one in beverly hills with my real camera, before it's gone, too.

not quite sure what my fascination with trees is, but i love them. their trunks, roots, branches, leaves, blossoms.
stories seem to surround them, fill them.

The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity... and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself. [William Blake]

midwest-ward

2006-07-06T00:04:00.000-05:00

the drive back to kansas city was a rather easy affair. the worst difficulty was driving poor little neo with his meager four cylinders up the mountain roads in colorado. lucky for him, basically all my belongings were in my dad's van, which seemed to handle the weight and the incline rather well. the views out the window were well worth snapping pics of and my mom was nice enough to drive through the prettier parts so i could more easily (& safely) soak in the views. accompanied by the new keane album (which i LOVE), i rather enjoyed myself.

thanks mom & dad!

fond farewell

2006-06-28T05:05:00.000-05:00

- last view of the ocean: monday morn down at venice.
- last hike in the mountains: the verdugos behind my house this morning...err, tuesday, that is.
- last late night in cali: right now. :)
- last meal in LA: food from trader joe's.
- last night accomodations in LA: sleeping on box springs in my mold infested room.
- (first &) last cd purchased in LA: keane's "under the iron sea".
i will certainly miss los angeles and the friends i've made here. it's been a crazy, hard, and wonderful six months. i certainly look forward to visiting again and who knows what the future holds. :)

i'll see you kc-ers SOON!

ah smog

2006-06-23T21:29:00.000-05:00

tis a chain

2006-06-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

it's always funny to me when things happen like everyone says they do. (which of course would have to happen quite often, for everyone to be saying so for so long.) realized today that all my "industry" work came out of my first project here - the 168 short film contest. through 168 in general, i met the guy who hooked me up with the tv award show. then, my team's director's girlfriend was the director of the feature film i worked on. and there i met my friend richard, who hooked me up with the dog show last week.

so once it begins, it begins. and it is all about who you know.

glad for all my experiences, but it's a lot easier to enjoy them after the fact - and knowing that i don't have to repeat them. :)

and so it "ends"...

2006-06-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

yesterday was my last day working on lifetime's reality dog show that should air in october. from what i saw over the last four days, i think it will be worth checking out. on friday i got to stand outside for most of the day in 100+ weather making sure all the people connected with the auditioning dogs were released to be on camera. there were at least thirty dogs. and the assortment of canine and human was quite interesting. in the pic to the left, the third dog back is a dingo who was rescued and brought over. there was a blue great dane, which was absolutely gorgeous. and a mini corgi mixed with something. (i had a welsh corgi growing up, so i'm partial.) there was a homeless guy who heard about the audition and walked with his dog all the way from the 3rd street promenade in santa monica down to the agency near culver city. that's 7 miles. there was a lady dressed & accessorized entirely in pink even down to her dyed pink dog.

saturday was the call back day. i got to drive around for three hours searching for dog collars of a particular kind that is pretty much non-existant. i went to one pet stores three times. and after all the running around, they ended up using some collars (that didn't fit the description i'd been given), which they already had. ah, the life of a pa.

but the staff & crew were all really cool. one of the camera guys has worked on several of the survivors and he was telling me stories of carrying cameras through waist deep water and climbing volcanoes for like a 30 second opening shot. crazy stuff. and if any of you have heard of the reality show "blow out" - i think the exec producers and a lot of the staff & crew worked on that, too. so, though it was very tiring and stressful. i did survive and am glad for the experience.

dangerous to myself

2006-06-16T01:42:00.000-05:00

yes, i have hurt myself again. this time not b/c of lack of sleep/brain. just a simple slip with a frame along my arm. :)

seriously, if i haven't said it enough - you need to be impressed with any [decent] p.a. you meet. they're hard workers. not to say that others aren't - but they really don't get much recognition. had to leave my house at 6:40am today and i arrived home by about 11pm. officially, i was only working from 8am to 10pm, but that's still a 14 hour day. and i ate a piece of bread with peanut butter on it before i left in the morning. didn't eat again until after 7pm. not b/c they're slave drivers - just when i'm out running errands for different people, no one realizes that i haven't had a break.

there are times, of course, when there's nothing to do and you're just waiting for someone to send you on an errand or ask you to make copies or something, but when you're working it can get insane. carrying twenty pound sand bags around. moving probably 100+ large framed pictures (thus, the cut). and there's numerous other examples.

it is wonderful getting to wear my own, normal clothes, rather than having to dress nice. ah. that will be hard to let go of. why can't the business world let go of their "business casual" and just go casual?? and don't bring up that whole silly idea that you work better when you're dressed nicer. absolutely ridiculous.

okay, i know it's only 11:52pm but i must go to bed b/c i have another early day tomorrow with loads of dogs & their owners auditioning for something. yippee.

sniffles

2006-06-14T23:46:00.000-05:00

picture this: griffith park. a lovely sunny day. slight breeze rustling the trees. a couple gazes at each other, holding hands across a picnic table. suddenly, sniffles the wonder dog leaps onto the table and tears past them carrying a kleenex in her mouth to save some suffering sneezer (off screen). the couple jerk apart, surprised, and a bit perturbed at being disturbed.

now imagine - the girl is me. that's right me. and the guy? the line producer of the show, who'd i'd just met hours earlier. and how was i prepped for this delightful role? by working in the hot sun for several hours and most recently helping the grips carry sandbags and other heavy equipment up the hill to their truck. so i'm sweaty and i can't act - but i'm a girl and the other girls have already been in earlier shots. so even though i thought i was leaving in mere minutes to do normal p.a. duties...not so.

so, if any of you hear of a new lifetime reality show about dogs in the biz - watch the episode where one dog gets to film a kleenex commercial - you may just see me. :)

day one down. we'll see what the rest bring...

july first (julio uno)

2006-06-11T20:37:00.000-05:00

in case there's still some confusion out there. i will return to kansas city on 1 july 2006.

this year will certainly go down in my books as BIZARRE. difficult. and good. and it's only half over. whew.

looking forward to being home with all of you, very soon.

good ones

2006-05-31T14:05:00.000-05:00

there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. - tennessee williams

we can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. - michel de montaigne

we learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself. - lloyd alexander

you have learned something. that always feels at first as if you had lost something. - hg wells

we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - em forster

the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. it is the source of all true art and science. - albert einstein

cúig ceisteanna

2006-05-26T12:49:00.000-05:00

(for kristen)

five minutes to yourself: sit on the lawn out front (preferably at night so people don't notice as much *grin*)

five bucks to spend right now: coffee+ at corner bakery

five items you could part with in your house, right now, that you hadn't thought of already: (this is a bit difficult as all my belongings are in my room, so there's not much that's disposable, but i'll try...) an old purse i finally replaced but still have, all my business cards that are freaking awesome but for a job i'm no longer looking for, my bean bag chair i got for visitors to sit on, some skirts i haven't worn in over five years, some posters i haven't put up in almost ten years.

five items you absolutely, positively could not part with in your house: photographs, valentines from my nephews & cards from friends, paintings from michelle, my computers (they've got my writing, photography & films!), i can technically part from my dvds - b/c i've been forced to do so before - but i really prefer to keep them.

five words you love: whilst, nevertheless (or nonetheless), slurpy, lovely, cuimhnigh

here birdie

2006-05-23T13:27:00.000-05:00

walking to my car the other day, i heard a woman's voice calling, "here birdie, birdie." looking towards the sidewalk, i saw the woman carrying an empty birdcage, searching high and low for her lost pet. i believe she lives several blocks away, so how she thought she'd find the bird if it was already that far away, i have no idea. this morning i had a note on my car:
LOST
2 PARAKEETS
i did save my landlady's cat from the storage shed roof - and the possibility of being eaten by a mountain lion (if not saved from the unleashed outdoors) - but somehow finding lost parakeets seems a bit more difficult.