in no particular order of course...

LA, some of what i miss:
-the possibility of ocean
-the smell of eucalyptus, magnolia, jacaranda, jasmine when i walk out my front door
-citrus trees
-going on night walks in my neighbourhood
-running my hand along the cement and brick walls enclosing yards at just the right height
-the ever-present right turn lane
-two-lane residential streets that easily accommodate parkers and drivers
-ikea (now that i again lack furniture and have the future possibility of a consistent income)
-Bible study
-friends
-trader joe’s
-being surrounded by people who don’t care if you know what you’re doing
-lack of humidity
-lack of insects, such as mosquitoes
-a majority of people who know how to drive well with others


KC, some of what i’m glad for:
-not having to constantly parallel park
-not having to leave hours before something to arrive on time
-cheaper gas
-my church
-friends
-soon a whole house to share with just one other person and no mold
-close proximity to loads of people & places
-wolf camera in westport
-the irish store on 43rd
-sonic
-QT’s 59 cent fountain drinks
-fall and winter and spring will look and feel vastly different than summer
-o’dowd’s irish pub

midwest-ward

the drive back to kansas city was a rather easy affair. the worst difficulty was driving poor little neo with his meager four cylinders up the mountain roads in colorado. lucky for him, basically all my belongings were in my dad's van, which seemed to handle the weight and the incline rather well. the views out the window were well worth snapping pics of and my mom was nice enough to drive through the prettier parts so i could more easily (& safely) soak in the views. accompanied by the new keane album (which i LOVE), i rather enjoyed myself.

thanks mom & dad!

fond farewell

- last view of the ocean: monday morn down at venice.
- last hike in the mountains: the verdugos behind my house this morning...err, tuesday, that is.
- last late night in cali: right now. :)
- last meal in LA: food from trader joe's.
- last night accomodations in LA: sleeping on box springs in my mold infested room.
- (first &) last cd purchased in LA: keane's "under the iron sea".
i will certainly miss los angeles and the friends i've made here. it's been a crazy, hard, and wonderful six months. i certainly look forward to visiting again and who knows what the future holds. :)

i'll see you kc-ers SOON!

ah smog

tis a chain

it's always funny to me when things happen like everyone says they do. (which of course would have to happen quite often, for everyone to be saying so for so long.) realized today that all my "industry" work came out of my first project here - the 168 short film contest. through 168 in general, i met the guy who hooked me up with the tv award show. then, my team's director's girlfriend was the director of the feature film i worked on. and there i met my friend richard, who hooked me up with the dog show last week.

so once it begins, it begins. and it is all about who you know.

glad for all my experiences, but it's a lot easier to enjoy them after the fact - and knowing that i don't have to repeat them. :)

and so it "ends"...

yesterday was my last day working on lifetime's reality dog show that should air in october. from what i saw over the last four days, i think it will be worth checking out. on friday i got to stand outside for most of the day in 100+ weather making sure all the people connected with the auditioning dogs were released to be on camera. there were at least thirty dogs. and the assortment of canine and human was quite interesting. in the pic to the left, the third dog back is a dingo who was rescued and brought over. there was a blue great dane, which was absolutely gorgeous. and a mini corgi mixed with something. (i had a welsh corgi growing up, so i'm partial.) there was a homeless guy who heard about the audition and walked with his dog all the way from the 3rd street promenade in santa monica down to the agency near culver city. that's 7 miles. there was a lady dressed & accessorized entirely in pink even down to her dyed pink dog.

saturday was the call back day. i got to drive around for three hours searching for dog collars of a particular kind that is pretty much non-existant. i went to one pet stores three times. and after all the running around, they ended up using some collars (that didn't fit the description i'd been given), which they already had. ah, the life of a pa.

but the staff & crew were all really cool. one of the camera guys has worked on several of the survivors and he was telling me stories of carrying cameras through waist deep water and climbing volcanoes for like a 30 second opening shot. crazy stuff. and if any of you have heard of the reality show "blow out" - i think the exec producers and a lot of the staff & crew worked on that, too. so, though it was very tiring and stressful. i did survive and am glad for the experience.

dangerous to myself

yes, i have hurt myself again. this time not b/c of lack of sleep/brain. just a simple slip with a frame along my arm. :)

seriously, if i haven't said it enough - you need to be impressed with any [decent] p.a. you meet. they're hard workers. not to say that others aren't - but they really don't get much recognition. had to leave my house at 6:40am today and i arrived home by about 11pm. officially, i was only working from 8am to 10pm, but that's still a 14 hour day. and i ate a piece of bread with peanut butter on it before i left in the morning. didn't eat again until after 7pm. not b/c they're slave drivers - just when i'm out running errands for different people, no one realizes that i haven't had a break.

there are times, of course, when there's nothing to do and you're just waiting for someone to send you on an errand or ask you to make copies or something, but when you're working it can get insane. carrying twenty pound sand bags around. moving probably 100+ large framed pictures (thus, the cut). and there's numerous other examples.

it is wonderful getting to wear my own, normal clothes, rather than having to dress nice. ah. that will be hard to let go of. why can't the business world let go of their "business casual" and just go casual?? and don't bring up that whole silly idea that you work better when you're dressed nicer. absolutely ridiculous.

okay, i know it's only 11:52pm but i must go to bed b/c i have another early day tomorrow with loads of dogs & their owners auditioning for something. yippee.

sniffles

picture this: griffith park. a lovely sunny day. slight breeze rustling the trees. a couple gazes at each other, holding hands across a picnic table. suddenly, sniffles the wonder dog leaps onto the table and tears past them carrying a kleenex in her mouth to save some suffering sneezer (off screen). the couple jerk apart, surprised, and a bit perturbed at being disturbed.

now imagine - the girl is me. that's right me. and the guy? the line producer of the show, who'd i'd just met hours earlier. and how was i prepped for this delightful role? by working in the hot sun for several hours and most recently helping the grips carry sandbags and other heavy equipment up the hill to their truck. so i'm sweaty and i can't act - but i'm a girl and the other girls have already been in earlier shots. so even though i thought i was leaving in mere minutes to do normal p.a. duties...not so.

so, if any of you hear of a new lifetime reality show about dogs in the biz - watch the episode where one dog gets to film a kleenex commercial - you may just see me. :)

day one down. we'll see what the rest bring...

july first (julio uno)

in case there's still some confusion out there. i will return to kansas city on 1 july 2006.

this year will certainly go down in my books as BIZARRE. difficult. and good. and it's only half over. whew.

looking forward to being home with all of you, very soon.

good ones

there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. - tennessee williams

we can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. - michel de montaigne

we learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself. - lloyd alexander

you have learned something. that always feels at first as if you had lost something. - hg wells

we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - em forster

the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. it is the source of all true art and science. - albert einstein

here birdie

walking to my car the other day, i heard a woman's voice calling, "here birdie, birdie." looking towards the sidewalk, i saw the woman carrying an empty birdcage, searching high and low for her lost pet. i believe she lives several blocks away, so how she thought she'd find the bird if it was already that far away, i have no idea. this morning i had a note on my car:

LOST
2 PARAKEETS
i did save my landlady's cat from the storage shed roof - and the possibility of being eaten by a mountain lion (if not saved from the unleashed outdoors) - but somehow finding lost parakeets seems a bit more difficult.

dangerous

so i said i hadn't laughed til i cried yet. i nearly killed myself doing so my last day. well, first - this pic? i like to think of it as my california cookie tattoo. burned myself baking cookies for my last day working on the film - a little gift for the crew. great idea - but with the lack of sleep (and thus, lack of brain) my reflexes were a bit slow. then, on my last day - the makeup artist was bored in the morning and decided she'd like to entertain herself making me over. she did a great job - nothing too extravagant - but it's film make-up, made to last. and she used glitter - which i love, but have already learned lessons from. so i was running errands in the evening and speeding along the freeway chatting with my friend donna on the phone and i started laughing hard - the crying laughter. and i immediately remembered why i don't wear that much eye makeup and especially don't put glitter near my eyes. i had to hang up the phone and start praying that God would save me from death on the freeway b/c i couldn't see. eventually my eyes watered out everything and i was safe. when i finally looked in the mirror, there were multi-coloured lines down my cheeks and neck. thankfully i had a napkin in the car, otherwise i would've scared the grocery store customers.

misunderstood

i laughed out loud when i saw this during an errand run for the film i'm working on. if you want to be the topic of conversation in los angeles - just let out the fact that you're moving back to kansas because you actually want to (and not because you're horribly disgruntled & depressed). pretty soon everyone on set has heard and is now completely confused by you. :)

working on a film is kind of like an extended finals week. little sleep, lots of stress, giddy laughter. i have not yet broken into the "beth laugh" (tears and all) - but i've come semi-close. and last night i actually put face lotion on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. and i've often found myself singing little phrases repetitively while driving like, "please let my freeway exit be open" or "and now i'm on the street where i live and soon i will be home".

oh and we had four tarantulas on set yesterday. i didn't actually get to see them filmed, but i was within two feet of one crawling on someone's hand. very odd.

for any of you jw-ers - i'll be at the 11am service this sunday! :)

crafty pa

day five of filming - day seven since a day off - day, just one more day after today til another day off. whew. i'm remembering a lesson i learned whilst waitressing after college. yes, i can survive on small amounts of sleep - but somehow there makes all the difference in the world if i'm staying up late, rather than getting up early. i've been getting up at 4:45am to arrive at 6am on set. the earliest i've been able to get to bed is 12, no matter how tired i am. errr.

i am doubling as a craft services pa (crafty) and an office pa. in less than a week i put about 700 miles on my car running errands. most of that was in two or three days. i'm picking up & dropping off equipment and making grocery store runs. it's so funny b/c esp. with the food i keep thinking of numerous friends who would be fantastic at it and totally enjoy it but it just stresses me out. everyone does like you though. :)

the set is really cool. i'm going to try and take some pics today with my real camera (no flash) when we're on a break. if you use a camera w/ flash you have to yell out "FLASH" before you take a picture even when they're not shooting - just b/c someone might think it's a light blowing out. i hate yelling, so i figured i'd save myself the hassle. :)

i'll have more stories about this whole experience - i'm not sure if i can post specifics though, since it's in production. our actors are on imdb.com and have been in things you've heard of though. :) most of the crew is cool, too. and the main office staff is fun to work with.

it's funny, having realized that i don't want to do this, how everything is now working "as it should." but it's like when i worked on summer staff at colonial for two years with elementary & high school students. both times i quickly realized neither were a natural fit for me, but of course the experiences were great. and i'm so glad i experienced those times - met great people, learned a lot. same thing here. and i'm actually seeing how leaving doesn't have to put an end to everything, either. for one, you can write anywhere. i've made some contacts out here - and that's a huge leap forward (if,of course, i ever finish a freaking script! *grin*). the main producer on this film has told me she wants to stay in contact with me and may have some projects she'd like me to consider helping her with (writing-wise). and several other people have said they might call me in the future to fly me out. :) (of course, none of this may happen - but it's just funny seeing how things can work out in any number of ways)

so - as i've told several people -- past things keep getting clearer and clearer and future things are more blank than ever before. but that's where trusting God comes in. and i need a lot of practice in that! :)

another traffic report

i was beginning to think californians were just too tense. the freeways really aren't THAT bad. the 405 is not evil incarnate. i'm beginning to realize that is because usually i'm driving on it at like 2am with five to ten other people. we can usually all have our own lanes. or if it is a more normal time - then, i haven't really had to be anywhere at a particular time - for work, say. or, when i did work, i was lucky enough to be going the direction on the particular freeway that only perhaps 25% of the city was going. rather than the 110% that all want to use the same route as me, which i have experienced this past week. the film i'm working on is using a sound stage down in marina del rey, which i think is only 20-30 miles southwest of me. however, i have to leave no later than 8am to arrive at 9:30am. it literally takes 30 minutes to move from the 405 exit ramp off the 101 onto the 405 itself. we're talking perhaps 1/4 of a mile. 30 minutes. i'm beginning to understand the frustration. :) and am trying to gear up for this next week when i'm supposed to be on set by 5:30am-ish. whew.

the film i'm working on is a low budget independent thriller feature, which means it will not necessarily be in the theatres. the people i'm working with seem pretty experienced and are all nice. the art department is pretty amazing - constructing the set in just a matter of days. it will be interesting to see it all fitted out with the furniture and lighting. the entire filmmaking process (and i've only been in part of the pre and will only be in some of the production) is interesting and extremely stressful. the script is well-written, but doesn't draw me in - i think b/c there's no real heart to it, no hope, no deeper truth - it's just a clever, intellectual thriller. nothing wrong with that, just not something i want to devote myself to, lose sleep over, stress over.

i know my decision to leave probably seems a bit weird to some of you - it's even kinda weird to me. :) it's still difficult to articulate clearly. i still LOVE movies, am fascinated by the process, plan to write and edit and create. i think part of what i've realized is that it's the process i love - but it has to be about things i care about or with people i care about. and it doesn't need to be on a grand scale. i've never been a "career" person. i think i convinced myself either i could adapt to the way things were here or be the one exception. but that's not reality - or at least not a reality i want to seek.

every day this week i have been happier and happier at the thought of home. and even kansas in general. i feel like i could start an ad campaign on the wonders of kansas. :)

i heart kansas

even though things are now moving along as i would have wanted - i have realized within the past few days that this is in fact, not what i want. i'm glad that i came out here to cali, but i'm even more glad that i will be going home to kansas city. and yes, this is coming out of nowhere, kind of. i officially decided monday morning. it's not due to discouragement or anything like that - simply a change of heart. a bit humbling, but good.

when? i don't know exactly. yes - i will be visiting in may (had planned that before i had any idea about all this). but moving back will not be for a few months. december at the latest. what will i do? no clue. get a job, of course. but for once i have no idea what's next. and i think that will be a good challenge for me--that daily trust in God's leading.

whew. this whole thing has been quite an adventure. and i still have more to come.

i started reading roy hession's "the calvary road," which my friend kerry gave me a long time ago. it's amazing.

"dying to self is not a thing we do once for all. there may be an initial dying when God first shows these things, but ever after it will be a constant dying, for only so can the LORD Jesus be revealed constantly through us...the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our life, no matter how hard we try."

got work?

yes, i do. hooked up with director margo, whom i met whilst working on the 168 project. she's dating the director for my team and came to help us out. so now i'm helping her out. but i'm actually getting paid!

i'm acting as substitute coordinator this week during pre-production. then, when filming starts may 1st, i'll be in charge of craft services (snacks) and also a general production assistant. the film is a suspense/thriller feature entirely shot on a sound stage down near marina del rey. so everything is being built on set. pretty cool. during filming we're doing six day weeks starting every morning at 6am and going for probably 12 hours. except lucky me gets to be there even before 6 b/c i have to be ready by 6. and the studio is (if i'm lucky) 30 minutes away. ready set go!

easter

my favourite easter was a few years ago in kc. it was the first time i fully celebrated it as the day Jesus rose from the dead. the year before i'd joined others at jacob's well for the monastic lenten journey - meeting mon-fri at church, 7am, throughout lent. but that next year, i focused in on holy week. experiencing a sedar meal on thu, tennebrae service on fri, prayer vigil sat, and then a sunrise-ish service on easter sunday.

i remember walking to church in the dark. i knew some people would still be there from the night before. and i wanted to watch the sunlight start to filter through the stained glass windows of the sanctuary. i remember suddenly having the urge to run the rest of the way, into the church, and yell "He is risen!" just like a little kid. i was so excited. i did run most of the way, but my reserve kicked in before i arrived and i merely entered silently, but grinning.

that afternoon i drove around and took photos of flowers i'd seen from the car for the past several weeks. seemed like a great way to celebrate new life. [the above is one of those photos]

this year, i joined my roommates at bel air presbyterian's service at the hollywood bowl. we packed a picnic and enjoyed church outdoors. there's something wonderful about hearing birds chirping during a sermon and feeling the sun warm your head.

hope the truth and joy of easter is yours.

dancing and jobs in general

beth & beki

i have decided to return to my roots and become a dancer. some of you may not know that i used to be a ballet and tap dancer. the fact that it was only for a few years and while still a very small child, shouldn't hurt my chances. the only thing that may hold me back is that my partner in crime now lives in cornwall, england. [the photo was taken before my wig ended up flying into the audience]

i did get temp work helping pack up an office. lots of bubblewrap, newspaper, and cardboard. got to use my creativity to figure out how to wrap items that were too large for the boxes. after a few days my hands were covered in paper cuts and my mind was fixated on wrapping items in my head, visualizing the folding and taping, over and over. :) i finished that last week, but get to go back tomorrow for one final day.

which means, of course, the normal job hunt is back on. actually heard back from one email i sent out. so looks like i get to pa for a film that will shoot over the weekends in may, june & july. the first crew meeting is in two weeks. it's nonpaid, but it'll be something. supposed to be a mocumentary like spinaltap.

m.m.m

my brilliant, talented, amazing friend melissa medina mackin
designed my business cards for me. she gave me six options,
all of which were beyond what i could have imagined. i narrowed
down to two and have ordered some of both. the photographs are
mine - everything else is mel's. THANK YOU, FRIEND!

i figure, if i can't get a job myself - at least i can advertise for her. :)